The Good Drugs Come Later, But For Now Take These…
Did you know there is a horrific crime committed against innocent people everyday? A crime that, unless dealt with in a timely fashion, will claim victim after victim?
What is the atrocity I speak of?
Bad breath. Also known as halitosis or oral malodor. Take your pick.
I urge you, my blogging brothers and sisters, to join me in the “Fresh Breath Coalition”! If we can come together and affect change, there is no end to the good we can do. It is up to each and every one of us to do our part.
Change starts right here.
If you are interested in joining the FBC, membership is free. There are no forms to fill out, no initiations, and referrals are not required.
As the FBC is an action-based organization, adherence to the following is all you need to consider yourself a member!
1. Be honest. If it means sparing another soul from the intoxicating aroma of spoiled onions and shit, you must let the offending person know they would do well to drown themselves in mouthwash.
2. Be prepared. FBC members are required to carry gum and/or mints AT ALL TIMES. Once the perpetrator has been notified of their crime, it is your responsibility to provide them with something to freshen their breath. This is, hopefully, until they obtain an oral freshener of their own.
3. Don’t be afraid. You are all soldiers for a higher cause. Think not of just yourselves, but of the lives you are saving. Does a child deserve to inhale the foul stench of a parent that forgot to brush? Does an overworked employee deserve to suffer a manager’s cocktail of hot sewage and burnt coffee? You must always stay true to FBC’s mission!
4. Have a strategy. Being honest doesn’t have to translate into being mean. Rudeness and hurt feelings can be avoided if you have a plan. Perhaps offering gum to everyone else while also hitting your target is a suggestion or maybe pretending to have ‘breath like ass’ yourself, then offering out mints is another way to go. Remember your key objective!
5. Check yourself. It is against FBC regulations for members to commit the same crime they are fighting against. Check your breath and check it often. Members found to be in violation will be reprimanded by the appropriate authorities.
6. Don’t give up. Making the world a fresher place is a thankless job. No one likes being told their breath could kill a giant from twenty paces, and oftentimes the same people offend over and over again. We are working towards a day when people recognize their problem and take it upon themselves to pop a mint. Until that day comes, you and others like you need to stand strong!
7. Use teamwork. Sometimes the breath is so bad it requires the strength and fortitude of more than one person. Together you guys can brainstorm and come up with a plan of attack, thereby increasing your chance of success.
8. Do not administer fruit flavors. Unless told otherwise by a FBC leader, fruit flavors are not to be handed out as breath fresheners. Studies show that while full of flavor, they do nothing in regards to eradicating the enemy: bad breath.
9. Tell others. Do you know someone that would be a good fit for the FBC? Can they often be spotted chewing gum or eating mints? Do they have what it takes to tackle the responsibilities of FBC membership? Point them to this post and welcome aboard a potential new member!
10. Remember. Your goal is to put an end to bad breath when the situation presents itself. People will try to distract you, but stand firm and get the job done. It’s up to you, as a FBC member, to end the ongoing suffering of others. Good luck.
Are you a member?
*****
THING OF THE DAY:
Remember that cartoon, “Captain Planet”? This is the ending theme! I loved this show! Watch and reminisce:
36 Responses for "The Good Drugs Come Later, But For Now Take These…"
I think this is brilliant! Count me in as a card-carrying (or should I say mint-carrying) member of the FBC. Do you think it would be too much if I carried breath spray and gave the perpetrator a little spray if necessary (when their mouth is open, of course)?
Keli- Welcome aboard! And spray is most certainly OK! :-DD
Honey, you are preaching to the choir! I even had garlic last night. My breath is kicking like karate.
Mimzie- LMAO! No worries, I’ll dispatch a FBC operative ASAP!
Your ass is 2 kinds of Crazy! I will be a card carrying member! Oh my goodness, I could not get through this post without laughing my ass off!
I am proud mint and gum carrying member!!! wooo hoooo!!!!
Single!
I’m in!
I think people have caught on, though. Every time I offer someone gum they ask “Do I have bad breath?”
Except for that one chick who seems like she lunches on feces. She NEVER took the “hint”.
Thankfully I don’t see her anymore.
Oh bad breath is one of my fears. I carry around gum and mints to assure myself that I don’t have it.
I will join you!!
Floss. People must floss! There is bacteria growing that provides the funk for the mouth that only daily flossing will prevent.
OMG! Girl, you are on fire today!
Count me in! In fact, I’m armed with one of the most powerful weapons an FBC member can have: ALTOIDS…CURIOUSLY STRONG! Every FBC member should have them ready when needed! We’ll knock-out those garlicky, burn-coffee, ass-smelling bad breath offenders if it’s the last thing we do!!!
LOL! Thank you for this post. It truly MADE my day! :-))))
Breaf mints, breaf mints, breaf mints… And yo Momma sucks breaf mints too!
Sorry, couldn’t resist quoting the Fresh Prince there.
I hate bad breath, except for garlic breath. I love garlic. It is one of the most wonderful things in all the world.
Single In The City- Awesome! Welcome aboard!
Angelika- “…lunches on feces”… Ewww. Thank goodness she’s gone! That’s just nasty!
Angel Jr.- Yes! We need to make this happen!
Soup Number 5- I agree!
Random Chick- Oooo, ALTOIDS are great! And thanks! I am armed with “Extra”! That gum is pretty damn good.
WhatIGotSoFar- Ewww, you LIKE garlic breath? LOL… nasty. But if you want in, you’re welcome!
LMAO! That’s as good as one of Keli’s stuper posts! Thanks for the laugh!
COUNT ME IN!!!!
I cant DEAL with the bad breath people. I am a smoker and always make sure I have MINTS and GUM.
Oh…and why is that the ‘Close Talkers’ always have the worst case??
lol @ Mimzies comment!
Dawn- Now that’s a compliment! Thanks! I have met some of the people she has talked about!
Meleah Rebeccah- Haha, ‘close talkers’ are in a school of their own! And glad to have a new member! I should totally make badge buttons.
Since I always smell like either a chimney or an ashtray, I am never coming close to any of you people! ha ha ha
Yes, definitely count me in as well.
My ex-bosshole had THE worst breath - let me tell you.
A co-worker and I started calling him - DRBB (Dead Rhino Butt Breath). My husband asked why that name (as if I should have to explain!?) and I simply told him, “His breath smells like he ate the ass out of a dead rhino…” *straight face* My husband thought that was terrible. You’re telling ME! P-U!
Anyway, we started giving him those Listerine breath strips… and it helped.. a little. : /
The first time he stuck one in his mouth he started whining, “It burns! It burns!” My friend looked at me and said, “Ya thinK!?” lol
Oh sure, some of us have those days where our breath just isn’t fresh…. *hmm* But wow.. some people really should carry toothpaste and brush, floss, a tongue scraper and some mints because their breath is kickin’ like Jackie Chan every day and someone should tell them!
I will be… that someone!
Frank- Oooo Frank, we won’t hurt you! And it’s for your own good!
The_Mrs- A) I loved that you called him a “bosshole”. I have NEVER heard that before…lol. Nice!
And LMAO, did it ever occur to you that maybe he did eat the ass out of a dead rhino??
But ewww. Bad breath is unacceptable!
And right on for being “that someone”. Go forth and be a proud FBC member!
count me in Jill. I’ve been victimized by so many of these foul breathing souls! he he.
I do agree that it needs to stop. Wonder who pissed you off so bad… LOL…
Monaco- LOL… too bad you didn’t have the backing of the FBC at the time! So in the future, when attacked by breath that won’t quit insist they take a mint!
Arv- This was something I HAD to get off my chest. I can no longer sit back and let this injustice continue! Welcome aboard!
Count me in Jillian, I’m not a big fan of bad breath and the worse thing is I have a colleague who has absolutely horrible breath!
We can only commit to adhere to rules 2,5, and 8, which we follow already, so we’ll pass.
One of us (Mimi) loves the coffee smell. The other one (Roufa) secretly adds garlic to the food to make sure no one will dare to come close to his wife (Mimi). The wife has noticed and is not pleased. But she is charmed.
Nick- Co-workers can be tricky! They aren’t like friends, family, or strangers. But I know you’ll work it out! Remember #4, have a strategy!
Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass- LOL… the FBC is currently accepting honorary memberships! Every little bit helps in the war against oral stench. Welcome aboard anyway!
ROFL…I’ll be a member, but I’m not sure I can even do no. 1. I can’t tell just anyone their breath is humming a song, maybe a friend. I love onions and usually if I have them, I warn people. Sometimes it’s a protection, lol…keeping people away.
I’ll see if I can recruit some members though, lol!!!
Natural Woman- LOL. Number 1 is a bit iffy, I’ll admit. But the enemy must be eradicated! And thank you for recruiting on behalf of the FBC!
“intoxicating aroma of spoiled onions and shit,”
Who the hell cooks onions with shit - or shit at all…. and why the HELL do you find the aroma ‘intoxicating?’
What I’m saying is, stop sending mixed signals!
Oh you can definitely count me in! Listerine power packs in pocket
Thanks too for letting me advertise on your site
Oh lord, count me in. I was in line near a woman last night who had breath so bad I almost passed out.
Mike- You’d be surprised at what you’ll find in some kitchens!
fragileheart- Welcome aboard! And you’re welcome! :-DD
Monique- See? Standing too close to someone AND having killer breath is definitely a chargeable offense. I mean really… why do people do that?
“…pretending to have ‘breath like ass’ yourself…”
Ironically, an ass is actually more sanitary than a mouth. Still, I don’t like to kiss ass.
.45- Ha, interesting point! Yeah, kissing ass [or mouths that smell like ass] is not my favorite.
I would join but my breath may not reach the right standards. If you stood 2 meters away you could still get a nasty wiff. I’m just too lazy to brush my teeth I guess - in fact I could have done my teeth while writing this.
James- LOL. No worries, I’ll dispatch two of our best FBC outreach counselors and see if we can put you on a path of fresh minty breath!
And thanks for stopping by!
Honorary members! Wow, thanks!
Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass- Of course! Welcome aboard!
[...] This guy needs the Fresh Breath Coalition! [...]
Leave a comment