Stupid Internet Arguments and You: A Handy Guide
1. “You’re gay.”- I really like this one because whoever this is directed at can’t possibly prove otherwise. Sure, they might be straight and get “lots of play”, but the people laughing at their expense don’t care. If you’re a guy, this is especially harmful. Once someone introduces the idea you enjoy ’sausage parties’, your credibility on the subject is forfeit (even if you have 2000+ posts in the forum *cough* loser *cough*). If you’re the type who thinks quick on your feet, responding with a ‘Dad joke’ can be a saving grace.
Example:
2Cool4Skool: You’re gay!
FckngAwesme: Let’s not bring your Dad into this.
Score! Now they have to defend themselves AND the family honor.
2. “You must be a Virgin.” Ouch. For some reason this is bad, but I’m not sure why. I think it’s great a person wants to ’save’ themselves for someone they love and/or are going to marry. It doesn’t matter what I think, though. Being called a Virgin online messes with your “cyber cred”. The worst response to this so-called insult is, “No I’m not!” or “Oh yeah? I just had sex like last week.” No no no. Anything other than return fire is LAME. This is where a well placed ‘Mom joke’ works wonders.
Example:
2Cool4Skool: That’s fucking stupid, you must be a Virgin.
FckngAwesme: Really? Cuz I was with ur mom last night!
Oooooh snap!
3. “You’re retarded.” One shouldn’t have to say anything to disprove this insult. Obviously if you are able to engage in verbal fisticuffs, then there is a good chance you aren’t retarded. But of course arguing online in the first place doesn’t exactly help your case. Whatever. If you find yourself having to defend against this accusation, try this:
Example:
2Cool4Skool- Oh my God, you’re retarded.
FckngAwesme- Well I guess YOU’D know!
You always want to imply that you are very much normal and THE OTHER person is, in fact, retarded.
4. “Go suck cock”(also know as: cockage, a fat one, dick, pole, and/or smoked sausage). Hold on, I know what you’re thinking: This is just like, “You’re gay.” Well it’s not. Wherein calling you “gay” is a direct attack on your sexuality, telling you to ‘go suck cock’ is demanding you put a certain male appendage in your mouth in the hope that it shuts you up. It has nothing to do with which team you bat for. Generally this term is used with the intention of having the last word in an argument AND firing off a final insult. Now you can be the bigger person and leave it at that, or…. not.
Example:
2Cool4Skool- Go suck cock, moron!
FckngAwesme- And steal your job?
That’s right, you said it.
5. “I’ll kick your ass” (see also: ‘come over here and kick my ass’ or ‘tell me where you live’). People resort to this when the Internet smackdown was so bad, they are forced to move the brawl streetside. If you ever get the offer for hand-to-hand combat, it means you’ve won. There is really no need to engage this person further because others will step in and promptly call them a loser or gay or a cocksucker … or sometimes even a gay cocksucking loser.
Example:
2Cool4Skool: I’ll fucking come over there right now and kick your ass!
FckngAwesme: Riiight.
LtMePndUrMom- 2Cool, you’re fucking gay.
ThckChocltStck- Yeah 2Cool… suck one. loser!
**For your convenience, idiot Internet language has been translated to readable English. Fuck l33t speak.**
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THING OF THE DAY:
28 Responses for "Stupid Internet Arguments and You: A Handy Guide"
Hmm a very interesting take to internet arguments although I believe that we shouldn’t even attempt into going into an argument. Make peace not war. Haha. But if someone attempts an attack, I’ll be sure to take note of some of the tips you’ve mentioned!
This is hysterical!
Many moons ago, when the internet was still relatively new and I was a young college student, I did chat lines in computer lab.
I once had a guy coming down to Toronto to a fake address to beat me up. He was coming from Ottawa, a five hour drive.
I assumed he was coming because he logged off right away. Maybe not. I dunno.
Either way, what a douche. You know why he wanted to beat me up? Cuz I called him a fag.
Yea.
Shortly thereafter, I got completely bored with that inane tripe and never internet chatted again.
I’ll kick your ass, you cock-sucking, retarded, gay virgin!
Okay, got that outta my system. Great post. Funny shit.
That was funny! Very good tips. I’ll have to remember them, next time I’m engaged in a cyber verbal war.
I love your Internet names, “2Cool4School” and “FckngAwesme.” Why do all the idiot commenters have lame names like this?? Oh, I know! They’re gay, retarded, virgins who suck cock and want to kick everyone’s ass. LOL!
Thanks for those tips by the way…and I have no idea what “Fuck l33t speak” means so thank you very much for writing this in plain English.
BTW…I’m having a special party on my blog…please join us!!!!!
:-)))))
this is too fucking funny.
Hilarious! I’ll have to print the guide for my next stupid internet argument
Jasmine- I hear you. Arguing online is an ugly beast, but if you have to… USE the guide!
Mimzie-
Mike- LOL @ “did chat lines”. I’m not surprised you called someone a fag! You’re fun.
whatigotsofar- Hahaha, thanks!!!
Michele- Yeah, it feels damn good to win an Internet argument… not that I engage in such things…
Meleah Rebeccah- It’s the information… you need, NOW!
Dawn- There might be a nice spot in the fridge next to the “Shit List”!
:))) I am now well armed for when an argument breaks out..
So you know i missed you while I was away right!!! So this is just what the Dr ordered for me.. Laughter or I will go insane taking care of daddy!!
I love this post!!
I guess the V thing is for the guys because when a girl says they are a V they are like COOOLLLLLLL!!!! that is totally awesome!! LOL!!
So yeah I am so Awesome and this post proves it!! I missed you Jillian!!! LOL!!!! I needed my Loquaciously Fix!
S.
ha ha ha TRUE.
I read this at work yesterday and was LMAO. Jillian, I don’t know anyone funnier, how do you come up with this stuff…but you’re dead on with your examples and explanations.
I hate to say it,but if you are in a war of words on the internet, everyone already knows what you are. You are a person with no life, else why be in the chatroom/forum/etc. to begin with? LOL
Where do you come up with your topic ideas?? I’m super envious!! I love your posts and marvel at the originality. I’ve missed you this past almost two weeks… although I just laughed so hard I started getting all hunch back again and almost fell out of my chair. Damn you Jillian. Damn you. : )
Robert- See? I like to help!
Single!- I almost didn’t recognize you!!!! Glad to know I made ya giggle!
Meleah Rebeccah- Ain’t it though? Not that *I* would know or anything….
Natural- It’s pretty easy to think up this stuff when there’s not much else going on upstairs! :-O I wonder about me sometimes…
Frank- Look, sometimes people are WRONG and they need to be corrected! I mean I’m not saying I get involved in these “arguments” I’m just saying I totally get why some people waste their time. Hahaha. You and your… telling of the truth.
The_Mrs- LOL.. well it is good to see you again!!!! Seriously! Also, awesome to know I made ya laugh. Writing this stuff down is better than getting mad and talking to myself about it!
Great crash course in internet self defense! Now I’ve got to go start some arguments just so I can show off that I’m armed and witty, thanks to you!
LOL @ whatigotsofar…
JIllian, would you be interested to take online classes for all of us???
I just cant stop laughing… LOL
Classic post. And while I will continue to tell people to “Eat a dick” when necessary, after this past weekend I will never call anyone retarded (online or not) ever again.
Question though — what would your response be for someone telling you that they’ll “spray fart in your dinner.” Get back to me on that.
I’ll have to remember some of those comebacks.
lol I don’t think I’ve ichatted in ages… though I used to live in a chat room way-back-when. Of course I knew everyone in the chat room so it wasn’t like that. This is a hilarious post as always Jillian.
I work with this guy who claims he’s not gay, but hasn’t gotten any in years and only tries to date lesbians.
That part of it must be a cover up right?
@ Voodoo Who Do- That sounds like an obvious case of SLC (Secretly Loving the Cock). It’s ashame, really. He’d be much happier just embracing who he is. Oh well… he’ll cum to his senses soon enough.
J., you’re really taking it up a notch. Sorry I’m a little behind. Wanted to be able to give my favorite posters my full attention, and I don’t mean that in the way I normally would.
I’m glad I did. This is a gem.
@ .45- Thanks a lot! And no worries. People have shit to do. I get that :p But obviously whenever you drop by makes this blog much more… awesomer.
Thing is, those insults are a bit like the Power Rangers; they’re lame on their own but put them all together and intellectualise them (the equivalent of Power Rangers morphing into a gigantic fucking robot) and you’ve got yourself the epitome of awesome.
Example: “Evidentally, you are a novice in the realm of sodomy. It is undoubtedly clear that you wish to place your penis inside another man but sadly, it is an activity which you have not yet accomplished. Is this due to your lack of mental capacity or your preference to place male genitalia in your mouth? Perhaps I should move my foot towards your rectum with considerable force. I believe that to be for the best.”
I know, I know. I’m awesome.
@ Qelqoth- That IS awesome, but how many people would understand that on these choppy Internet seas?? Haha, I’m afraid you might have to “dumb it down”.
I would’ve dumbed it down but NATO beat me to it. You can see my latest post for affirmation on that if you want.
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