Jillian Approved: Humor, News and Nonsense

What’s this? You didn’t read the first part? Go HERE and get caught up!

*****

God, he drives slow. Amanda glanced at Dave from the passenger seat and made a face. Why hadn’t she noticed his annoying driving skills before? Just how blind had she been this past year? Fuck! I doubt he’s ever driven faster than 50mph.

“Do you ever drive faster than 50? People keep going around because you aren’t going fast enough.”

“Well, this is safer. And I don’t want any tickets.”

“You can get a ticket for going too slow, ya know.” I’m dumping you by the way. Soon.

“But I’m driving the exact speed limit.”

“Yeah, right. Of course.” Oh my God!

A few minutes later Dave pulled into a parking space outside of the ER. Amanda jumped out of the car and practically ran toward the entrance.

“Hey! You wanna slow down or what?”

“Well hurry up! What are you waiting for, an invitation?” Yup, I am SO dumping you.

As Amanda made her way to the patient check-in line, she noticed how packed the waiting room was. Just about every available seat was filled with someone coughing, sneezing, scratching, and shifting uncomfortably. Oh, this is great. Amanda rolled her eyes as the person in front of her asked a million questions to the lady behind the counter. Hurry up, already! She began to think about why things between her and Dave just didn’t click. What was missing? He was a nice guy, made her laugh, and was usually fun to be around. It was true he got on her nerves, but…

“Next!” Amanda jumped in surprise and looked around. Is it finally my turn? She grabbed Dave’s hand and made her way to the window.

“Can I help you ma’am?” Ugh.

“Umm, yeah. I’ve… we’ve had an accident of sorts….”

“OK.” Shit!

“There is this… thing I need a little help… removing.” Along with my dignity that’s now lodged in the floor.

“Ma’am just tell me why you’re here, please. The doctors need to know what they are treating.” I thought I just did!

“Look, my boyfriend and I had ‘you know’… and now… we can’t find the condom…” This can’t possibly happen to other people.

“Ma’am you’re gonna have to speak up, I didn’t hear the last part.” Is she fucking kidding me? Really? REALLY?

“Of course. I said my boyfriend and I had…sex… and now we can’t… locate… the condom.”

“Ma’am can you please speak louder? I’m having trouble hearing you.” Oh…my…God. She cannot be serious. Why is she trying to ruin my life? This is so fucked up.

“My boyfriend and I had sex and we can’t seem to locate the condom!” Did you hear that?? Because the entire waiting room did!

“There’s no need to yell ma’am. Please sign your name and wait to be called. Thanks.” Oh yeah? No need to yell? Theres also no need for those pants to be that tight, you stupid bi….

Amanda sighed in frustration and looked for a place sit. If what just happened was any indication of the rest of her visit, she just might have to kill herself. She spotted two chairs in the corner and tugged Dave to follow her over there. They made their way to the chairs and Amanda flopped down in hers. She looked at Dave and wondered how such a good looking guy could suck so much in bed. It’s just not right. The foreplay was good, though she didn’t really have anything to compare it to. But Amanda knew it was supposed to lead somewhere: all the kissing, the rubbing, the licking, the…

“Amanda Roberts? The doctor will see you now.” … a whole of me. How fun.

Amanda looked at Dave and they both rose to follow the nurse. At least I won’t be the only one embarrassed. They were led to the end of a narrow hallway and shuffled inside a room. The walls were a light pink and had drawings of babies on them. The space opposite the door sported two very large diagrams of the male and female reproductive organs. Well this is fitting, Amanda thought as she gave the surroundings a once-over. The stirrups attached to the end of the patient bed, did not go unnoticed either.

“Have a seat on the bed, please. There is a robe for you on the counter, go ahead and remove the bottom half of your clothing. The doctor will be in to see you shortly.” I hope this doesn’t take long.

Amanda quickly took off her shoes and removed her pants. Well it’s not like Dave hasn’t seen all this before. She then removed her underwear and wrapped herself in the robe. She seated herself on the foot of the bed and looked at Dave.

“Soo, this is new.”

“Yeah. Look I’m sor-”

The knock at the door scared them both.Here we go.

“Hello Miss Roberts, I’m Dr. Davis.”

Amanda glanced up and nearly fell forward. The person standing before her was NOT what she expected. The doctor was a large, tall Black man who took up most of the room. The nurse standing beside him might as well have been a dwarf. He had enormous hands with thick sausage-like fingers. So this is how it’s gonna be. I’m being examined by a linebacker.

“So Miss… Roberts, it says here you…. have a condom stuck inside you?”

“Umm… yeah.” Iwannadie! Iwannadie! Iwannadie!

“OK, I need you to lie back on the bed and place your feet in the stirupps.” Amanda shot a look toward Dave and he shrugged and looked away. Yeah, tell me about it.

“Uhh… OK.” With a sigh, Amanda slid to the edge of the bed. She placed her feet in the apparatus and eased backwards until she was lying flat on her back. She could hear the doctor put on gloves. She looked down at him and saw he was holding something that looked like kitchen tongs. Whew. So he’s not going to use his fingers.

“Miss Roberts, I need you to relax. OK?” He held up the tongs then said, “I’m going to gently slide these in and see if we can’t extract the condom.” Yes… extract the condom. Just another day at the office…

Amanda winced when the ice-cold instrument made contact with her body. Relax, stupid! She felt it enter her slowly, and grimaced. There was no pain, but the feeling was uncomfortable. She glanced at Dave and saw he was taking a noticeable interest in the floor. Try being up here… The tongs were in and being moved slightly. Please find it…. please find it.

“Ah.” Amanda’s eyes flew to the doctor. ‘Ah’? She gasp as she felt the tongs begin their slow retreat. But something felt weird. It was as if someone was lightly tickling her from within. She shifted her legs to offset the sensation, but it continued. The more the tongs slid out, the stronger the sensation. What the..?

The wayward condom had been found. As it was slowly being removed, it rubbed against the inside of her creating that odd feeling. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut until the entire length of the contraceptive-gone-wrong had been removed.

“OK, Miss Roberts. All done. You can sit up now.” Amanda righted herself and immediately zoned in on the previously lost condom. There it was, sitting in the small metal tray… used. Gross.

“Is that it?” You mean no dinner?

“Yup, that’s it. Would you like me to write you a prescription for EC.” E-what?

“EC?”

“Emergency contraceptive. Would you like me to write you a prescription for some? You may or may not get pregnant from an experience like this. They will give you a thorough consultation at the pharmacy regarding its usage.” He must think I’m am idiot.

“Uhh yeah. I’d like the prescription. Thanks.”

“Alright. I’ll give you some time to get dressed and then return with all your paperwork.” Yeah, my embarrassing paperwork. Dr. Davis glanced over at Dave then exited the room closing the door behind him.

Dave watched Amanda as she dressed. “So, ya hungry?”

The End

—–

And there ya have it! A true tale of embarrassment and woe. I’m happy to report that since the events of this story occurred, Amanda has since ‘got hers’… several times and to be honest, from several men. She likey da sausage. And as far as I know, no condoms have since been lost.