When Moms Attack
Every now and then I mention my mom. Sometimes I speak of her in comments on other blogs or sometimes in the posts written here. You all know we were close, so close I considered her my best friend. I know when someone is dead, you should probably start referring to them in the past tense, but I forget a lot of the time. It’s weird to refer to her like that, you know? She was my mom. I swear, sometimes I feel like she’s on vacation somewhere and will be back as soon as she can. Whenever something insanely funny happens, I often think: Damn, mom would think this is hilarious. I should call her… And of course right after that is: “Fuck, I’m broke. I wish mom were still here, she’d loan us some dough…
But none of this is possible… because she’s dead. The last time I checked, dead people weren’t taking calls. Can you imagine the long distance charges? Pfft! I can wait. Unless I can call collect I shan’t bother trying to contact her.
I know as a kid there were numerous times I got on her nerves, at which point she would give me Children’s Benadryl and put me to sleep. During this “free” time I imagined she watched TV, played her favorite records, or just enjoyed not having some 6 year old doing their best to drive her insane. I’m not mad, though. The H and I have already resigned ourselves to producing anti-social, sarcastic elitists. Sounds like fun, right? I have already purchased OUR Benadryl.
As a youngster, I had the habit of running things into the ground. This means everytime I found something funny, I would repeat it and reference it a MILLION times. One such thing was the word “dookie.” I used it ALL THE TIME, in answer to EVERYTHING.
“What do you want for breakfast, Jillian?” - Dookie!
“Do you want to go to the movies?” - Dookie!
“Did you take a bath?” - Dookie!
“If you say that word one more time….!” - Dookie!
So, yeah. That is pretty much how things went with me. I guess eventually I had used the word so much, my mom felt it was time to take action.
One day after an hour long bath (what is time to a kid?), I hauled myself out of the tub and wrapped up in a towel. I strolled into the livingroom with the intention of making use of that word. And what I saw stopped me in my tracks.
There, on my favorite pair of patent leather Maryjanes, was a small pile of shit.
Someone had dookied on my shoes. I couldn’t believe it! Why would someone harm an innocent pair of shoes?
I eyed it carefully and slowly moved toward it. Is it really what I think it is? I thought of how much I loved those shoes, how I had worn them to school and showed them off to the girls who DIDN’T possess such high fashion. I had even reserved an exclusive space for them on the closet shelf away from my other shoes, as if I would mix such aristocracy with the likes of L.A. Gear. No, these shoes held a special place in my little girl heart. Why I had worn them around the house when they were fresh from the store, had thrown a tantrum when mom wouldn’t let me wear them to dinner. I had kicked and screamed for the right to wear these shoes whenever I wanted and someone had the audacity to crap on them?? The injustice was too much for me… so I started to cry. Huge crocodile tears streamed down my face and fell on my arm, I began to hyperventilate.
“S-s-s-omeone *gasp* d-d-dookied *gasp* on m-my SHOES!”
My mom responded with, “Awww, they did?”
“Y-y-ess…”
I suppose seeing me cry and completely lose it was enough. My mom walked over to the offending mess and picked it up.
It was FAKE!
My mom, the person who would later be so incredibly dear to me, had stooped to purchasing fake dookie from a joke shop! I remember her laughing so hard her stomach hurt, while I stood there in disbelief.
But I deserved it.
It would be years before I used the word again.
***Tired of all my shit? I’ll save a few other stories for later!***
*****
THING OF THE DAY:
I was tagged by Random Chick from Confessions of a Random Chick to do the “Show You mine, Show Me Yours” meme. I almost never do memes, but this one looked kind of fun!
And so, here is my desktop in all its AWESOMENESS:
GO NINERS! (And yeah, that’s the 2007 schedule… I’m SO behind!)
35 Responses for "When Moms Attack"
Your Mom was awesome Jillian. I can tell how much you love her and miss her. It’s pretty normal to NOT want to use the past tense. I lost my sister over a year ago and I still find it hard. I’ve never been able to delete her email address. Maybe someday. Maybe never. You just deal with it the best you can.
You must have been one “wired” kid for your Mom to use benadryl! LOL… Maybe I’ll try that out on my cat
Wow! What a brilliant Mom!
If you remember any other parenting tricks your Mom exercised on you, please share them! Just in case we procreate.
That is freaking hilarious and brilliant! =)
Your mom sounds really cool… even playing pranks on you like that. lol. This is the first time I am hearing the word dookie. Really interesting!
Awh your Mom was hilarious! I’m sure she lives on in you
Nice desktop (even if I’m not a football fan). I want a mac
Your mom sounds like she is your rock, yes I used the present tense, and I don’t think you should ever use the past tense, she lives on in you.
BTW, you have the 49ers schedule on your desktop? You ARE a freak even if you think its normal. Now every time we chat I’m gonna visualise your desktop behind that wordpress thing we’re doing and its gonna make me just not want to help you - lol
Meanwhile, as I clean Diet Cherry Pepsi off of my monitor…
Dookie! Dookie, dookie, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE!!
Your mom is officially on my FUCKING AWESOME! list.
plastic dookie. LOVE IT!
So you were a cut up even then? LOL!! I Think your mom was GREAT!! So you were a girly girl? LOL!!
Chat With ya lata, Dookie
What an awesome Mom! I think it’s totally acceptable to speak of her in the present tense. I believe that even if someone has passed from this life, they’re still with us in spirit, so present tense away.
Jillian, you mom sounds amazing! Our mothers were from the same school of parenting, except I think my mom used bourbon. I can only imagine the laughter in your house. My mom always told us to not fight in the car and that if we didn’t shut up she was setting us out on the side of the road. I lipped back once that she couldn’t do that, so she stopped the car and set my sisters and I out on the side of the road. She drove about 200 yards then stopped waiting for us to catch up. You gotta love moms.
Dawn- Hahaha, yeah I was a lot to deal with I think. What I didn’t mention was that I STILL run jokes or sayings into the ground. Ha!
Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lasss- I know, right? She would have me come over to her and would feel my forehead and tell me she thought I had a fever or something…. then “offer” me the Benadryl. Other tips? As soon as I could walk, she taught me how to sort my laundry! No way was she doing all of our laundry. I used to think it was fun until I realized it was work…
castocreations- Thanks! I was so devastated in that short time. But it “cured” me!
Jasmine- Hahaha. I feel dumb even saying “dookie” and weird, too… like someone is gonna come punish me for it.
Fragileheart- Haha, it’s OK, you can still root for the NINERS, lord knows WE NEED SOME KIND OF HELP! But Macs are pretty badass. Would you believe I use the H’s PC more because his keyboard is better? Macs are great, but the keyboard that comes with them is AWFUL!
Carl- Pfft! What the…? Are you even a football fan?? Hahaha, you should be honored to even associate with such a fan!
But really, if you weren’t helping me I’d be lost and miserable and a bunch of other NOT COOL things.. 
Lisa- LMAO!!! Seriously, I was in love with that word. My mom would bring up this incident several times in the following years because the only thing I had ever ran into the ground THAT much. I must have had some problem!
Mike- Hahaha! Now THAT is cool.
Single- LOL. I have no idea what was wrong with me then (or now). Hahaha @ Dookie! I can’t believe some people use that as a nickname! WHY???
Mrs. R- You’re right, I don’t think I’ll ever feel right using the past tense. But I think sometimes when I talk to people, I give the impression she’s still alive!
Beeker- LOL @ Bourbon! You gotta love moms who stick to their threats, ya know? Shows us kids who is boss AND that they aren’t messing around!
aww….Jillian. What a great story about your mom.
That makes me so sad to know that you dont have her anymore.
I dont think I would ever be able to past tense my mother either.
(((hugs))))
That is such a sweet recollection. My mom never put fake dookie on my shoes, as much as I begged her.
Still, reading this makes me feel guilty for not talking to her in a long time.
I guess I should pick up the phone. Never know when that won’t be an option.
I love your mum and you the fact that you can share her with us
and I dont think I will ever be tired of your shit
No wonder why you are so brilliant! The apple does not fall far from the tree. Your Mom would be proud of you today! Right now she’s giggling about that joke
BTW, I’m NOT a sports fan at all, but you desktop is pretty awesome.
Meleah- Thanks. I suppose she wouldn’t want me being all sad about it. Hahaha, she made me promise to “remember the good times”… and so I do!
.45- Shame on you! Call her… then ask for money. That’s what I would do….
Claire- See, now THAT’S awesome! Thanks. Unfortunately if my mom was still here I would never have grown up as much as I have. Hahaha, I would still be home with her letting her do the cooking and cleaning and the reminding me of doctor appointments. Not a bad life, really but at some point a girl needs to leave home. Life is strange!!!!
Random- Brilliant??? Hang on *calls HS teachers* But seriously, thanks! I think everyone needs a little dookie in their life. Ha!
I didn’t even know your mom and your post makes me miss her! I understand completely your closeness. I feel the same about mine, especially because she was both mom and dad to my sis and I.
Also, I think it’s wonderful that you talk to her in the present tense. She’s never really far from you, is she?
Ha this was a great story, thanks for sharing it. have you said Dookie since?? I was so thinking she got you with a baby ruth and was going to eat it like in Caddyshack.
Sounds like you had a great mom that’s awesome. Just know she’s watching down on you for sure
Hey your on my blog, when I am your blog! heh
Growing up is overrated so I have avoided it.
Oh and your doctor said its time for an internal sweep
Keli- Aww, thanks! Now I feel even less weird for using the present tense!
Phats- LOL… I only started using it again a few years ago. Seriously… she REALLY got me to not want to say it!
Claire- Internal sweep??? Does that HURT??!
now we know where you get it from. (humor) mothers are the best!
Half the fun of being a parent is getting even, you know! ROFLMAO
Niners? Football?And you think watching baseball is boring? Oh my! LOL
Awww, now I’m homesick for my Mom. I’ll have to call her today.
I’m sure your Mom is watching over you and smiling at this story!
Very, very brilliant Mom! Allow us to express our respect!
Natural- Yeah, she was a funny one!!
Frank- What?? Football is way more exciting to watch than baseball!!! Football I think is a really good TV sport. With baseball, you just have to be there! Not that I don’t like baseball or anything, I’m an Angels fan, too! But I definitely like going to games in place of watching at home!
Rae- Now that’s a nice thought!!
Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass- Awesome, that’s very cool of you!
You don’t want to see my desktop. It’ll scar you for life. I’m fucking serious. It gives me cardiac arrest from time to time.
Let’s just say that when extreme German fetishists convene for fun with pineapples and rubber clothing, it leaves very little to the imagination.
I am adopted, and so on that side of the family, I have a lot of relatives. I don’t speak to my birth mother AT ALL for various reasons.
The woman who drives me to be all that I am is my mother… the one who raised me and to this very day sounds so excited whenever she hears my voice. I don’t know what I would do if one day I wasn’t able to hear her say “How’s my baby??” when I called her. At 34, I still call her mommy, and I don’t care who looks at me crazy when they hear me say it.
I love when I hear of other women having such close relationships with their mothers and I am sorry you had to lose yours so early in life.
That was a great story. Glad your Mom had the last laugh.
I would have started calling you Dookie as if it were your name. I hope I could be an evil Mother not just to my sister’s kids but my own as well. Evil Mothers are the best. 
My Mom is still around. My Grandmother is gone, all my grandparents. I miss my Grandmother quite often when we are doing something and she isn’t there.
That was great Jillian! I just learned something new today - dookie.
I know what you mean Jill. Been there done that.
I was 21. An year ago dad had underwent a major triply bypass and my family was trying deperately to crawl back into the semantic of a normal life. But then one night suddenly out of the blues without any preamble by the heavenly forces my mom just went away.
Oh well it was pretty complicated all I wanted to say was…yeah I kinda understand
I laughed so hard at the prank your mom pulled on you. Fake dookie used on a child, by her mom! LOL
I need to be more creative like that.. my kids do the same thing, get hooked on a word or phrase and run it into the ground.
Your mom has inspired me!!
I love the posts where you mention your mom… it almost feels like I know her (and judging by the others comments, they do as well) and I can see where you get your awesomeness from.
Have a great weekend chickie!
qelqoth- See, that makes me want to see it all the more! Haha, but I didn’t even tag anyone. Mostly I wanted to show off the NINERS!
Monique- That’s awesome. And I love that you still call her “mommy”…lol.
Laura- Hahaha. I KNOW people who use “dookie” as a nickname, it’s SAD…lol.
Monaco- Thanks!
John F- Wow, you guys were going through a LOT. I wonder if death of a loved one would be more tolerable if we had some kind of warning…?
The_Mrs- Haha, thanks! Seriously… I will NEVER forget that day. I say go for it with your kids, in the end, hopefully it will be something they can laugh at. I totally deserved it and it CURED me of my problem!
Your story made me smile. I started thinking of the funny things that my mom has done in the past. I wanted to thank you for your kind words and thoughts. It is so hard losing my mom but I know she is in a better place. I am having a hard time thinking of her being gone for good. There have been several times when I go to pick up the phone to call her then realize that she wouldn’t be there to answer. Your story was of great encouragement. Thank you. God bless.
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