A College Scholarship for the Average Joe
No, I’m not dead. But I had a few things to do, also I had nothing to write about and I refused to post song lyrics or a YouTube video in place of something I actually took the time to write. You know how it is. But it looks like I’m back. It’s time I got the ball rolling in getting this site to where I see it in my mind. Once again, thanks for your support.
When I was in high school and applying for scholarships, I never found one geared toward persons like me. When attending all those boring workshops for the college-bound, teachers would always stress the perfect scholarship was out there, you just had to look for it. But I don’t think someone wanted to pay for the education of an under-achieving slacker whose idea of a good time was eating pudding and watching Saturday morning cartoons. As awesome as it would have been, I doubt anyone would have been an enabler to my saga of laziness and general time-wasting activities. Another thing that always barred me from the free ride I obviously deserved, was the grade requirement. A 3.0 student I was not. School, like most things I didn’t want to do, was something I just soldiered through.
So I’m taking it upon myself to create a scholarship for the “everyman”, you know, for people like me. This scholarship won’t rely on silly things like grades or extracurricular activities (and honestly, who gives a fuck if you helped plant trees for the illiterate half-dead village of Hiugeogewo? I certainly don’t.)
Take note all you who have money to burn and are looking to invest it in a good cause, for I present:
The “Get Ya Learn On” Scholarship: For De-motivated Students
Prizes: 1st place: $50,000; 2nd place: $20,000; 3rd place: $10,000
Requirements: All students who apply for the “Get Ya Learn On” Scholarship must plan on attending a 4-year accredited college or university and maybe showing up for most of their classes ( If you were accepted into an Ivy League school, don’t bother applying for “Get Ya Learn On”. If you’re smart enough to get into one of those fine ‘institutions’, then you don’t need our money and shame on you for wasting our time. Don’t be ‘that guy’). Students carrying less than a 3.0 Grade Point Average will be considered as will students who display a mild interest in bettering themselves.
Rules: Students can choose to write a 1,000 word essay on one of the following (but if you can get to the point sooner, that would be great. We all have shit to do):
1. Reasons why ‘procrastination’ should be referred to as ‘working better under pressure’.
2. Why copying homework should be considered “working smarter, not harder”.
3. Reasons why Captain Planet is gay as fuck and having power of “Heart” is completely useless.
4. The continued effectiveness of ‘Yo Mama’ as an insult.
5. Does Political efficacy still exist in America? (Seriously, don’t pick this one)
Deadline: June 15. Selected candidates will be notified sometime before the Fall semester. If you don’t hear anything from us, you obviously didn’t win. Please don’t call or write as that would put us in the awkward position of telling you that YOU SUCK. And while that might be true, we don’t want to be responsible for such a harsh realization at such a young age. But seriously, we will more than likely notify winning students during the month of August. Yeah, that sounds about right.
What are you waiting for? APPLY NOW!
Please note: This is not a real scholarship… yet. Don’t send me emails asking for contact information, because it’s NOT REAL. If this little bit of text is completely disregarded, all emails received about the scholarship will get posted and many laughs will be had at your expense.
Upcoming event: Mr. .45 from 45 Caliber Headspace has agreed to do me the honor of guest posting on this little blog. I am super-excited and you should be, too! Tune in Wednesday for pure Awesomeness!
36 Responses for "A College Scholarship for the Average Joe"
So weird. I don’t remember to whom, but I had to fire off a “Yo Mamma” at somebody just recently. I would have thought it was you, but I’m sure you would’ve fired back.
I wasn’t qualified for much either. If I got any, they were akin to Grandma slipping a 20 in your birthday card. “Thanks, that may cover part of one of my required books, or a case of Keystone Light.”
Oh, and that guy’s a jackass.
I too am a strong believer in the idea that Captain Planet sucked. I never understood why anyone watched that show.
Hooley-dooley honey… I don’t know where to start. Have I been gone THAT long, or do you just move too quickly for this old Aussie?
Anyway Jillian, I just wanted to ‘touch base’ with you and let you know that you’re blog is still a very important part of my daily reading.
Cheers.
I’ve never heard of Captain Planet, I guess I’m not missing much?
My life motto is based around the following statement:
“Procrastination - Hard work pays off over time, but laziness always pays off now.”
It got me through college and gave birth to my blog — both of which allow me to eat. I’d say that it works.
@ .45- 20 bucks would have paid for the first 2 pages of a college textbook. Also, good for you for being quick on your feet and responding with a “Yo Mamma!” Ahh, that brings back such tortuous playground memories.
@ Alan- LOL. I do love the closing theme song, though. Oddly enough, I don’t even hate myself for that.
@ Angry- I know, right? I’m doing big things over here! Or at least I am trying to. Thanks for stopping by and making your continued presence known! Awesome.
@ Carl Well… the cartoon was pretty hokey. But like I said in response to Alan, the closing theme kicks a little ass.
@ TOPolk- Yes, yes. It DOES work, indeed.
Rumor has it that you’re looking to purchase a paiting from Tiger Beaumont at http://www.318x.com. Good for you! You totally should. She’s awesome!
Oh YEAH! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpXM9bj-WPU
“EARTH!”
“FIRE!”
“WIND!”
“WATER!”
“HEART!”
“Go Planet!”
“By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”
Captain Planet, he’s our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero
He’s our powers magnified
And he’s fighting on the planet’s side
Captain Planet, he’s our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero
Gonna help him put asunder
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder
“You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!”
We’re the Planeteers
You can be one too
‘Cause saving our planet is the thing to do!
Looting and polluting is not the way
Hear what Captain Planet has to say!
“The Power is Yours!”
I loved Captain Planet
ooops got a bit sidetracked then, what was the question?
Yo mama doesn’t seem to work with a British accent it makes you sound like a twat.
Shit just read your intro again, the bit were you said about not posting song lyrics or youtube! Do not look at the comment above, no looking!
Now THAT is a scholarship I can get behind!
And down with!
And maybe even win.
I might try writing the ” 1. Reasons why ‘procrastination’ should be referred to as ‘working better under pressure’. ”
ha ha ha ha ha
Glad to have you back posting, no one makes me laugh like you do!
xxoo xxoo
@ Mimzie- Yeah, I have heard of her Awesomeness! When we get some extra cash, I will have to visit that website!
@ Claire- LOL! Like I told Alan, I DO LOVE the closing theme! I know that shit by memory. Thank so much for posting the lyrics, unfortunately I still flub a line here and there. That just might make my day.
@ Meleah Rebeccah- You know, that would be my subject of choice as well. Or maybe I would do the Captain Planet one. How I wish this was real. But seriously, when we win the lottery THIS is the scholarship I’m setting up.
First the electric slide and now captain planet. I feel so very, very sorry for your age group, Jillian. I really do! LMAO
If I tell Captain Planet, “Yo mama” can I get in free?
Wow, for a second there… I thought the comments were organised in alphabetical order. And then I realised it was just my sick mind. Anyway… if one day, (and I think that you will) you get to create this scholarship for real… I will either be one of your contributors or the first to apply - because it’s a brilliant idea. Brilliant!
I don’t have the funds at the moment, but put me down as a future scholarship provider. I was of the “memorize and immediately forget” type of student which is how I got into college. I would much rather have gotten in as a slacker scholar! Ah, the fun I could have had…
@ Frank- I actually just feel sorry for myself in general.
@ Random- I dunno, he might take offense. Not everyone is cool with the “Yo Mamma’s”
@ fragileheart- Awesome. I figured it was best to start buzz about it now. It’s gonna happen… one day.
@ Keli- I was the same kind of student. That’s partly why I don’t know anything now. But good to hear I have your support. Slackers need luv, too!
Big time saver for the eventual winner of the scholarship:
Buy used books. No need to read them be cause someone else already did.
Never understood Captain Planet either. Why would any kid listen to a green man talking about environment? I totally agree with you that the power of heart is nonsensical. Next Dr. Dolittle maybe?
I’m just glad that I’m graduating soon so a scholarship might not be useful unless it can be just free dough for me to spend it on a grad trip! Then hell yeah I’d do it…
I’m so glad you’re back Jillian. The blogosphere gets a tad dull without you.
BWAHAHAHAHAH! I needed this scholarship in the worst way. Where were you 20 years ago?
Well it is a relief to know you’re not dead!
I love this scholarship! I think I’ll get my daughter to write…
Reasons why ‘procrastination’ should be referred to as ‘working better under pressure’.
She is an expert after all
lol @ mimzies comment…… hahahahahahahahhaa
If scholarships like this were actually available, I might not have so many student loans now…
JIm J. Bullock and Harvey Fierstein giving each other a rusty trombone isn’t as gay as Captain Planet.
How about not just a scholarship, but a special school?
It could be the school of hairdressing, puke cleaning, basket weaving, hookering and general debauchery.
What do you think?
this is a freaking riot!!! ROFL. i love it. for the first time in my life i felt like i qualified for something other than government cheese. thanks jillian! i gotta share this with my friends. lol
@ Joe- Hahaha. I think we could definitely get along.
@ Jasmine- Yup… Captain Planet sucks. His weakness is pollution… pathetic! It’s good to be back… I missed everyone!
@ sudiegirl- I was only 5
And my superpowers had yet to awaken. But maybe one day I can help others like you… and me.
@ Dawn- Hahaha. I really wish this was real. Maybe that should be my life’s goal. Helping slackers everywhere! That’s a lot of work though… and I’m kinda lazy.
@ Meleah Rebeccah- Mimzie is the kind of person who KNOWS she’s awesome. Possessing that kind of knowledge of oneself can easily intimidate others.
@ whatigotsofar LOL… you said “rusty trombone”.
@ Mike- Yeah, it could be like Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Students… only not. If you build it, they will come…
@ Natural- The government got it right with their cheese. That shit is pretty good. I remember my babysitter, who was this old lady, always had a fridge full of it in her garage. I’ve never had so many cheese sandwiches. I think that is what sparked my love of extra sharp cheddar.
Awesome. Totally awesome. You will need to buy them a “College - The Best Eight Years of My Life” t-shirt if they win the scholly.
I actually think I might of had a chance at this one but I would probably have been too busy watching Captain Planet and listening to Air Supply.
I would apply but Bugs Bunnt -Road Runner is on right now…:)))
@ Mrs. R- Hehehe, I know, right? When I get the chance, I’m making this scholarship a REALITY! **Note: Your comment was marked as SPAM for some reason, but since I JUST released it, my response is kinda late.
@ Mr. Shife- I know a lot of guys who secretly like Air Supply. What is that about?
@ Robert- Now that’s the spirit: Everything can be done later…
Latest news on Jillian:
“that jillian one she could be a great blogger if she applied herself some more”
Where was that written?
(not written by me)
I did schedule classes so I would be home in the afternoon for cartoons. How’s that for planning ahead?
@ Claire- *sobs* YOU’RE SO RIGHT!!! WHY CAN’T I TRY HARDER?!!! *more sobs* Not written by you, eh? Tell me! This speaker of the truth much be outed at once!!!
@ sudiegirl- See? You’re kind of people I like.
The truth is found here http://tinyurl.com/4wt6yg
But speaking of writing I had a dream about you and you had written a very successful book that was autobiographical and they made a film out of your airport romance. The film was really funny.
Remember I have been on cough medicine
@ Claire- So hours later I click that link and find out the root of that earlier comment. Hahaha. That dream sounds badass…. does it say anything about Jan suddenly doing housework? (I hope he doesn’t read this)
No arse kissing involved by the way, but I do think you could write a very funny book.
Then Jan could do all the housework you wanted in it
There is only one element missing to make this post absolutely perfect: each applicant should send $10 handling fees!
You could end up with a real scholarship yourself then.
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