Holy Matrimony
My favorite part of any wedding is the reception. I love free flowing alcohol, delicious food, and good company. Actually, even if the company isn’t all that good the other 2 things more than make up for it. Shitty company seems less shitty after a second helping of tri-tip and 7 beers.
That’s where I was this past weekend, by the way: At a wedding. We drove up to Sacramento to see one of Jan’s brothers get hitched (”we” being me, Jan, and his parents). The drive was long (8 hours) and definitely not something I’m in a hurry to do again. I’ll spare you the details of how my legs got so cramped I contemplated sawing them off or how I suffered a horrendous attack of gas. That shit was brutal. I wound up holding in farts until we passed groupings of cows out to pasture. Once we were close enough, I would silently ease out a few torpedoes and hope the other 3 people in the car blamed the smell on “manure”. I could have gotten away with doing this the rest of the trip if I hadn’t made the mistake of letting one go as we drove past some orange trees. Apparently oranges don’t smell like dookie.
The wedding and reception was held at a winery… AND there was an open bar. Now how awesome is that? It’s not everyday I’m compelled to test the limits of my liver. And I just love the phrase “open bar”, just saying those words sends a tingle to my special place.
Open bar.
Ahhhh.
Some people seem to think certain behavior becomes acceptable because of the kind of venue you’re at. And for the most part I can agree with that. I have done several things I didn’t want to think about the next day all in the name of celebration and having a good time. In fact, this brings me to the heart of today’s post. There is one thing done at most receptions I ALWAYS participate in, but feel a great amount of shame for having done so the next day. For some reason this particular activity has some sort of draw I cannot ignore, try as I might.
And what is it, you ask?
…
The Chicken Dance.
Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
If you possess memory of having done this dance, it’s OK. I’m not going to judge you. And how could I when I have done it myself? I know it’s supposed to be “fun” and that everyone is supposed to get a good laugh out of it, but after I have shaken more tail feathers than I care to admit, I always feel a little dead inside. This is quite possibly the dorkiest fuckin’ dance ever. And yet… I do it. I have the same reaction to the Electric Slide. Once I hear that’s about to go down, you best believe my ass is on the dance floor in a prominent spot. Not only do I LOVE this dance, I do it well and put everyone else and their groove thang to shame. But this… Chicken Dance, is evil. When I see people doing it on TV, nothing but scorn is felt towards them. Yet, in person, when I hear that light-hearted Polka music signifying the start of this “craze” I’m out of my seat and making “beak” hand gestures before I even hit the dance floor. I’m amazed how I live with myself after such displays.
So let this be the first step in overcoming my problem:
It doesn’t matter how you slice it, this dance is pretty fuckin’ gay. Shame on us as a species for creating something so horrid.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to continue my penance of whipping myself.
*Photo courtesy of Mike Babcock
*****
I wonder how these peeps feel about the Chicken Dance?
54 Responses for "Holy Matrimony"
Maybe the oranges were too ripe?
I like to do that dance to the tune of “Opposites Attract”, in the mirror, with my manbag and pink shirt on.
The chicken dance is legend in Scotland. Every major family gathering has the obligatory double play, that’s because the crowd won’t let the dj stop until they’ve all danced to it twice. Very sad, but on the other hand its amazing what we’ll do with a bit of whiskey in us.
@ Matt- “…its amazing what we’ll do with a bit of whiskey in us.” — Ain’t that the truth. Also, The Chicken Dance should never be legend anywhere
That’s the thing with me, you never really know.
How weird is it that I just watched last night’s House episode and before he goes under hypnosis at one point he asks, “You’re not gonna make me do the chicken dance, are you?”
I’m afraid I’m going to disagree with Matt, almost violently, doing the chicken dance is an excuse for someone to bash you. That dance is evil, it turns normal sane people into dithering idiots within the first beat, and by the end of the first chorus they all become raving lunatics. I think we need a petition to ban the chicken dance, and forget sending troops to Iraq, let’s just drop a million party songs CD’s on them, and give them cheap access to Karaoke machines.
I’m glad you’re back! I’ve never liked long road trips (especially with the in laws). *shudders. Why did your brother-in-law have a chicken dance at his wedding? If I were you, I’d probably hold up a sign “Do it and you’re going to KFC”.
Last wedding I attended, the bridal party all put on Village People hats and did YMCA. I think that’s worse than the horrid chicken dance.
@ Carl- Maybe the war in Iraq is not about oil as some would have you believe. It’s quite possible some stupid American tried to introduce The Chicken Dance over there and as a result, the country proclaimed war on us. Not that I blame them, of course.
@ Jasmine- Yup, I am glad to be back as well. My in-laws are great people. Their company was cool, it was just being stuck in the backseat and not being able to stretch my legs that almost killed me. Also, there isn’t always a chicken present when The Chicken Dance is performed. Sometimes, it’s just ordinary people looking incredibly stupid all by their lonesome.
whatigotsofar- See, and I think dancing to the “YMCA” is awesome. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??! At the rate I’m going, I’ll never be invited anywhere.
Alcohol, Good food, shitty company & CHICKEN DANCE…
I need to see this someday.. LOL….
Its true abt how one’s behaviour must suit the place… am reminded of the visit to a famous brewery/pub in Mainz, Germany. Just don’t ask me how it ended, LMAO…
Cheers…
I detest the chicken dance. I would rather run through Hell in a gasoline g-string than to have to do or see the chicken dance.
I can understand the berating of the Chicken Dance, but you SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH about the Electric Slide. I’m not a big fan of dancing, but I’ll break out the electric slide.
Speaking of which, the last wedding I went to, the DJ was a cruel, cruel, cruel bastard. He lines up The Electric Slide, The Macarena, 3 different versions of The Cha Cha Slide, R. Kelly’s “Step in the Name of Love” AND Quad City DJ’s “Come On Ride The Train.”
By the time we got to the last song, I looked at my buddy and said, “I know I’m the best man and all, but fuck all this dancing. I’m tired. You can find me at that bar you paid for.”
I HATE road trips. My husband and I drove from CA to MN after our honeymoon–it was almost the end of our marriage.
And we fought for days over having the chicken dance at our wedding! I didn’t want to but he insisted. He ended up winning the battle, but I refused to participate in the dancing at the actual ceremony. Blech.
And thank you, by the way. Now I have that bloody song stuck in my head.
ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!!! I LOVE this dance. It’s so freaking hilarious and just so wrong.
Although we didn’t have dancing or alcohol at my wedding. I think you might have been bored. =) lol
Oh GAWD! Don’t remind me…I drank waaaay too much at my own wedding (and having nothing to eat I got WASTED). I have photos of me trying to be FUNKY while doing the Chicken Dance. That is something I will always regret.
I laughed at your dilema in the car with the farts and orange trees. LOL!!! Sorry, but I HAD to laugh!!!
I enjoy freaking people out. I’m special like that.
I’m not a fan of the chicken dance either…we are at this wedding not too long ago the dj played all of those terrible songs…the hokey pokey, ymca…he also threw in “props” like inflatable guitars, hats, costumes…Talk about tacky!
Relatives drunk and doing chicken dance: Epic Fail.
Someone in a motherfucking chicken suit: Epic Win.
“It’s not everyday I’m compelled to test the limits of my liver. And I just love the phrase “open bar”, just saying those words sends a tingle to my special place.
Open bar. Ahhhh.”
————
I AM CRACKING UP RIGHT NOW….I HAVE TO GO BACK AND READ THE REST….BUT THIS PUT ME OVER THE EDGE LAUGHING.
Will you teach me the Chicken Dance?
Hahahah Oh god darling you are too funny. Do the fam not accept farts as ‘normal bodily functions’? I have grown to accept them over time… hahaha maybe that’s just because I never was much of a lady. Oh well…
The Chicken Dance… dear goodness…. it’s so much fun but honestly… don’t you dare take a video of me!
I agree 100% about the gayness of that dance, and my lovely wife told me there was no way in hell that there was going to be a chicken dance at our wedding. And she put it in such a way that made me believe I would lose a testicle if I pushed the issue.
Still laughing at this line, “Apparently oranges don’t smell like dookie.”
@ Mimzie- LOL. The hate is strong in you
@ TOPolk- Hey hey hey, I said I LIKED the Electric Slide! That dance is the shit! But I hate “Step in the Name of Love” AND the fuckin’ “Cha Cha Slide” (which they played by the way
) I had a few beers while that crap was on. And seriously… how the hell does one “Charlie Brown”???
@ Mrs. R- Good for you for NOT doing it. I wish I had as much willpower. I’m hoping the next wedding reception I go to, I’ll be able to resist the pull!
@ castocreations- No dancing and NO ALCOHOL? lol… I think you’re right. I might have been just a wee bit bored. But you don’t always need alcohol for a good time… it just helps
@ Random- I demand to see these pics!!! And yeah, I dunno where that gas came from, but it was AWFUL. It smelled like death!
@ Chelle- LMAO…. props??? No, that’s NOT cool. Although I’ll admit to liking the “YMCA”. That song is awesome. The props are pushing it, though. And yeah, the “hokey pokey” is also one of those dances I’d be ashamed to participate in. TACKY is right!
@ Qelqoth- LOL. That pic wasn’t from the wedding I went to, Thank God. But yes, a guy in a chicken suit would have made my day! Also, seeing MY relatives cut loose and get drunk would be worth hanging around for. They are pretty uptight people. Jan’s folks know how to fuckin’ party. Never have I been offered so much booze. They were like: “Have some more… we fuckin’ paid for it…. DRINK UP!” I was only too happy to oblige. I mean, you can’t let good shit go to waste… especially when there are kids starving in Africa.
@ Meleah Rebeccah- LOL…. it’s true. When I heard there was to be an open bar I almost wet myself i was so excited. I promised jan I wouldn’t get too fucked up… I mean HIS PARENTS were there. But once I saw his bro’s were having a go I helped myself to as many as I could. They even gave us a box of wine at the end of the night! Also, that instructional video is enough to teach anyone wanting to learn The Chicken Dance
You’re just trying to make me have a relapse.
@ fragileheart- And here I was hoping to see you on film. Hahaha. I’m with you though. I’m glad no one took a video of me. However, there are pictures floating around of me spanking the pony (that’s not as dirty as it sounds).
@ Mr. Shife- Good for your wife! And why would anyone ‘push’ to have that dance at their reception? I could see casually mentioning doing it… but PUSHING FOR IT? Hahaha, NOT cool. And yeah, that gas was something out of this world. It took me a while to recover.
I actually snorted when reading the orange grove bit and have already told it to my sister and mates in college
My sister is a vegetarian and she is the reason I could never be one, because she absolutely stinks! When we were younger she got shouted out for smelling so bad when she farted, heh.
Chicken is not cool Jillian, not cool at all.
Chicken is actually cool well erm sort of , but I meant the chicken Dance is not cool!
I know you love my typing errors, I do them on purpose.
I’d been spared the chicken dance… up til now. How can I ever thank you for the “instructional video?” It’s going to take me years to get that out of my head!
Thank goodness for cow manure!
This is my husband’s favorite dance! He takes great pride in teaching it to all our nieces and is counting the days until our nephew can walk, so that he too can learn this honored tradition. At ball parks his image always seems to make it to the jumbo screen when they do the chicken dance.
We all know how to “Charlie Brown,” but no one is able to physically do it because, yeah…we’re not animated cartoon characters. Stupid ass dance.
People still do that? Wow!
It’s a perfect dance for children!
hey if you’re gonna let one rip, this is the way to do it
….until we passed groupings of cows out to pasture. Once we were close enough, I would silently ease out a few torpedoes and hope the other 3 people in the car blamed the smell on “manure”.
oh yeah, i know the chicken dance and won’t do it. it’s old like the electric slide, but people at weddigs just love to do it.
this made me laugh, i’m having a crappy day and ready to kick anybodys *&^. just pick a person. any person.
Did you see what that awful Max did to poor Alison over at BritishSpeak?? Can’t somebody DO something about him?? Alison is hopping mad, too!!
Oh my gosh that was too funny! The bit about the gas, had me laughing out loud. I have been there a few times! So uncomfortable.
And the chicken dance. Okay I admit, I’ve danced the dance of the chicken and enjoyed it, but really, it is stupid looking. So are the macarana, ymca, etc. not that it stops me from participating.
At my own wedding we refused to have any of those goofy dance songs played. No need for that embarrassment.
Sure, sure Jill… spanking the pony, huh? How ’bout you show me these pictures and maybe I’ll believe you =P
No one ever told me that the Chicken dance was not cool!!!
Now I know people laugh at me when I do it!
Thank G-D it is only a Preschool Class!!
Toodles!
@ Keli- Instructional videos are the best!
@ beeker- No no no no. LOL.
@ TOPolk- Hahaha. True. Do you watch ‘Family Guy’? Remember that scene where they did a parody of what a reunion would look like between the gang? And Charlie Brown came back all strung out on crack?? That ALWAYS cracks me up for some reason.
@ Roufa Tav Gosou @ Mimi Lass- No no no… The Chicken Dance isn’t a perfect dance for anyone.
@ Natrual- I’m glad it made you laugh. And I hope it made your day a little better. Holding in gas is something I just can’t do for very long. IT NEEDS RELEASE!
@ Candy Girl- Huh? What?? Who is Alison? Who are you?
@ Michele- Good move on not having these dances at your wedding. And don’t worry, I can’t resist the pull of stupid dances either. But there is just something wrong with the Chicken Dance… I… must….stop…doing….it.
@ fragileheart- Those pics have been put in a safe not to be opened until my death.
@ Single- No one ever told me that the Chicken dance was not cool!!! — LOL… Now that’s a shame! Stop doing it!!!
I guess I am lucky, I have never done the chicken dance, not even while shitfaced LOL
I have to wonder though, why would this dance be performed at a wedding reception? I cannot recall ever being to one that played this silliness
I have no idea what the heck an Electric Slide is, I must have been living a sheltered life LOL
Don’t whip yourself! Let Jan do it, I’m sure he’ll do a better job LOL
Shudder is right! She stinks. I remember my dad getting so pissed off with her and her vegetarian flatulence that he sent her out the room.
Hurry up and post something else, you such a slacker!
YOUR! not you.
Oh please not the chicken dance.. although with an open bar I am liable to do anything…good strategy on the fart thing..I used to blame it on the dog..:)))
lol fine, fine… make me wait =P
@ Claire I know… I am going to update. But I have some pretty fucked up writer’s block. And I need to visit my blogging friends as well. It’s the heat…. it’s so hot. Tell me…. should I feel naughty blogging naked? Hhehe, cuz I don’t!
@ Robert- Remind me to get you near an open bar….
@ fragileheart- I have a reputation to uphold… one of sloth and glutton, that is.
hahahhaha ok ok I give up =D
Me? Naughty? No! LOL I was just thinking maybe you’d even enjoy him doing it, that’s all
I don’t feel naughty doing it either, but I really should get some curtains
This blog post made me go “AAAAgh ha ha ha ha!”
I think we have a similar dance in England to a song called “The Birdie Song”.
I remember dancing to it in playschool. That was a long time ago.
You’re a riot as usual. That gas episode had me laughing so hard I almost wet my pants! You should see the funny stares thrown my way (I’m in an internet cafe, btw)
How awesome is it to surf on over to this site of a leisurely Sunday afternoon and be treated to a delicious treatise on the Chicken Dance?? Ah Jillian, you treat us right. I’d blocked that out, though I’ve danced it about 5 times at various weddings.
That shit respects no borders. I think at every wedding be it Shinto, Baptist or Bahá’í at some point kicking out your drunken jams to that oom-pah groove is mandatory. Creepy, the invasiveness of something so shameful.
In my neck of the woods, the dance starts off moderate and goes faster and faster, with all the drunkys trying to keep up. Is it like that everywhere?
@ monaco- Thanks, that makes me feel all warm and bubbly inside.
@ Grumpus- Unfortunately, it IS like that everywhere. WHEN WILL IT STOP??!!!
Arghhhh do not mention the birdie song!
I had blocked that out of my mind.
Here it is, much much much worse than the chicken dance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeswZaReE0I
HOW COULD YOU?!!!
Uh oh! you just did the dance didn’t you?
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
wow this cough medicine is some goooooooooooooood shit!
Heh. I found you on EntreCard. Wheeee! Very funny. Except I shall have to stab you for putting The Chicken Song in my head for the rest of my life.
Oh, and my dookie? Totally smells like oranges.
[...] out the women of Jan’s family are just as endowed as my own. When we visited Sacramento and shamefully did the Chicken Dance, I bore witness to the strong genes running through his peeps. No mosquito bites there, just a nice [...]
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