Interlude: Greed, for Lack of a Better Word, is Good
It’s a tough business to break into, but I knew that before I got involved.
Currently I’m sitting at a solid number 2 in the lunchroom. It took months of bugging my mom, but I finally got her to bump me up to Salami sandwiches with an extra dessert, instead of carrots and that horrid Egg Salad shit she tries to pass off as food. What’s wrong with her anyway? Doesn’t she know what sells? Her concoction of eggs, relish, and mayonnaise is so bad the dog won’t even touch it. Every operation has a weak
link, but I never thought it would be my own mother. If my cards aren’t played right, I could wind up with a scandal on my hands. When Jeff Wright accidentally traded away several spoiled turkey sandwiches, he almost lost it all. Even now he struggles to break back into the Top 20. There’s no humor in shame like that.
Everyone knows I covet the Top Spot. And it’s true I stepped on a lot of people to get to where I am now. It was me who added cayenne pepper to Billy’s Mediterranean chicken, it was me who stole the extra bags of chips I knew Cindy brought to school, and it was me who committed one of the worst deeds our lunchroom has ever seen. I got David Trekker suspended for a fight I started, when he jumped in to break it up, I lied and said everything was his fault. And the teachers believed me, they always do.
Whatever. I couldn’t stand David anyway, especially the way he wore his sweaters tied around his neck. How fucking gay is that?
But there is one person who stands between me and #1.
Susy Thompson. I hate her.
Susy has what people want and she KNOWS it. Every morning we file into class and she greets me with the sweetest ‘Good morning’ I’ve ever heard. Oh she smiles, but it never quite reaches her eyes. I respond with a casual ‘Hey’ and we nod to one another. It’s not a nod of respect, but of things to come. I know Susy has more than luck on her side, having held the desired spot for the last 2 years. Kids have talked of how she single-handedly rolled through her competition. Any witnesses to her methods have all been silenced, whether through blackmail… or other means. And I know what makes her so damn popular, too.
Susy Thompson prepares her own lunch. Her parents work a lot and because of that, she has more freedom than any other kid in the industry. Damn her! She has it all: fresh oven-baked chicken, cookies, slices of homemade lemon cake, pudding; she is every lunchkid’s wet dream. FUCK! She and I both know my game needs stepping up if I am to oust her from the throne on which she sits.
The battle lines have been drawn and I don’t intend to lose. I hope she’s ready.
*Photo courtesy of alisdair
27 Responses for "Interlude: Greed, for Lack of a Better Word, is Good"
Bring it on bitch! Can’t wait to read the next instalment, don’t keep us waiting too long!!!
@ Carl- Bitch is right! That Susy, scares me.
[Holler, if you want a partner to dump her in a pile of tuna, salami, cod, shrimp and whatever... well.. you know everything that would stink her up so bad that she would hardly think of cooking food again.] LMAO….
OOOooooh I am loving this! This reminds me so much of being in school myself! I cant wait to hear how you stepped up your game….I know you did not let this Susy Thompson walk away as the champion!
What a bitch! Tell her to meet me at the flag pole after school. I’ll show her who’s boss!
Susy sounds gay. You could totally kick her ass.
What’s wrong with egg salad? I like egg salad?
@ Arv- People need friends like you. You don’t ask questions! I like it!
@ Meleah Rebeccah- Yeah, who knew the lunchroom could be so dangerous?
@ Mimzie- LOL. I think Susy knows her days are numbered.
@ Random- She might be… maybe that has something to do with the “other means” by which she got her competition to keep quiet.
@ Angel- Ewww, I personally HATE egg salad. And oatmeal, too. Also bell peppers, onions, and cucumbers. Blech!!!
Susy is a total slut. i have seen her name on the bathroom walls. For a good time call Susy. I predict she gets herpes by end of the month and nobody will have anything to do with STD parasite. And boom! Guess who is #1. That’s right. Everybody do the happy dance.
@ Mr. Shife- I hope you’re right. You don’t see people with Herpes being #1 in anything… unless you count the “wow, my life really sucks now” category.
Susy doesn’t even deserve your time! Gosh… she don’t know who she is messing with. You have a whole gang of bloggers supporting you! In my eyes you are already #1. It’s Susy WHO!? haha.
Oh, now - you know it’s too bad I’m not making lunches for you!
HEY!!!
I gave you an award on my blog…not that you need YET ANOTHER award…but go there anyway. GO NOW I say!!!
Can’t wait to see how you’re gonna top fresh oven-baked chicken….
Go Jillian!
Yeah, this post brought back memories. I think I ate PB&J sandwiches for lunch every day for six years straight. I was way, way, WWAAAY down on the lunchroom list. No one would trade food with me.
Can’t wait to see you oust the bitch! I make a mean Lemon Meringue Pie and a bad-ass chicken pot pie (as you may have noticed, I’m into pies). Do you want me to pack your next lunch?
@ Jasmine- Ha ha ha ha. This post wasn’t autobiographical. My mom let me buy my lunch, so I never had to trade, thank goodness! But Susy DOES suck.
@ Anne- Oh yeah, any kid that gets your lunches is LUCKY!
@ Random- Woot! I’m coming, be there in a sec!!!
@ Dawn- I hadn’t even thought of doing a second part… maybe at some point. Let’s just Susy gets what’s coming to her…
@ Mrs. R- LOL. I think the exchange rate for PB & J’s is kinda sad
@ Keli- Oh man, I LOVE both of those foods. This post isn’t about me, but I’ll take a lunch of that kind ANY day!
I’m naked on cam right now and…ooh, sandwich.
@ Qelqoth- DAMMIT!!!! You’re a tease. No one likes a tease.
You know, it took me reading this about three times and four beers to finally “get it.” Sorry, I’ve been a little out there.
Either way, if this is the same Suzy I remember from back in the day, she’ll be easy to overtake. Not only are her grilled cheese sandwiches not really grilled (if you know what I mean) but she plays a mean head game for a case quarter. But that’s another story for another time…
So this is a made up story?
I was a bit worried when I read:
“she is every lunchkid’s wet dream.” <———— When I was a lunchkid I didn’t know what that meant you perv
So are you really going to post every Monday and Thursday?
I was in the “buy lunch” camp, mostly because my parents were always too drunk and lazy to ever make anything for me.
This was fine, though, since my school had a la carte and I would blow my wad on chips and ice cream instead of any actual food.
In later years, I would have my food delivered by a friend that worked in a sub shop down the street. This always pissed the principal off, but I would tell him it was my older sister.
yeah Susy sounds gay.
@ TOPolk- LOL. I’ll admit this post was a bit “out there”. Oh well, at least it’s not bugging ME any longer! Also, I think every school has a Susy. I hope whoever her #2 is triumphs over her evil!
@ Claire- Yeah, this is made up. It’s weird really. LOL… I didn’t know what a wet dream was until my Biology teacher told me he had one about me. High school was strange. And yeah, I’ll be updating Mondays and Thursdays for the foreseeable future.
But I’ll be bugging my buddies ALL THE TIME!
@ .45- I was in the “buy lunch” camp, mostly because my parents were always too drunk and lazy to ever make anything for me. Awww, it sounds like someone needs a hug. — But having a hook-up in a restaurant is fucking awesome. In my old neighborhood (before I moved to the valley with Jan) I frequented places where they knew my name AND what I ordered. I always gott the same things at most places. Sometimes I’d get free desserts or a drink… whatever they wanted to gift me with.
@ Bacner- You know, it turns out she is. But that’s cool, Jillian Approved is down with girl-on-girl… if they’re hot. I don’t think anyone wants to see ugly people going at it.
Erm did you just write your high school teacher told you he had a wet dream about you?
WTF!
(not that your not wet dream worthy)
@.45 you were a pimp in high school? getting folks to fetch you things
Jillian I think Monday/Thursday are good days to post
@Jillian- Could’ve been worse. At least they gave me lunch money (or did I steal it?). My best gig ever was designing a website for a restaurant YEARS ago. I had an open tab for free food and booze. Great for dates, in a Goodfellas kinda way.
@Claire- No, I was just a punk with a few good hookups.
@ Claire- That’s a story for another time…. quite possibly another blog entirely! *DUM dum duuuuuum*
@ .45- All I saw was “free booze”.
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