Natural Flotation Devices or “Big Ole Titties”
So I have big breasts. It’s not unusual for people to stare and beg to rub things on them, only to leave disappointed when I refuse. As a teen, the heat missiles strapped to my chest were good for drawing the attention of seedy men. I remember how pimps used to hit on me, ensuring I would never opt for a life on the street. Nothing made the walk home from school more uncomfortable than hearing shouts of, “Damn gurl, bring those juicy D’s over to Daddy!” This of course, was cause for offense. If I were ever going to sell myself, why have a middle man? Surely I’d be better off NOT having someone beat me and take half of my money? That’s just Bad Business 101. No way those fools were gonna play me.
If Jan and I ever have a daughter, it’s almost guaranteed she’ll have some big ole titties. There is just no avoiding it. My family is full of chocolate ladies who are not only buxom, but also attractive. Our family photos are a testament to our legacy of Double D’s. As a kid, I thought all girls grew to our level. It wasn’t until I was forced to change clothes for 7th grade gym, I knew any different. Imagine my surprise seeing girls still flat-chested! I thought maybe they didn’t get enough milk or something, and were now relegated to a life of paying for parking. It turns out the women of Jan’s family are just as endowed as my own. When we visited Sacramento and shamefully did the Chicken Dance, I bore witness to the strong genes running through his peeps. No mosquito bites there, just a nice sea of ripe cantaloupes.
Now I’m no artist like Claire or Laura, so don’t go expecting genius. But Jan and I might have female offspring that look something like this:
Yeah, that looks about right.
*****
Some people say more than a handful is a waste.
39 Responses for "Natural Flotation Devices or “Big Ole Titties”"
LOL at the middle man, with breasts like those you could probably find some ingenious way of countering any attack from those guys, then you’d have the upper hand and could take their money. Yeah, think about being the Queen of the street, all the pimps run around managing the other girls and sharing their profits with you. Just an idea!
I could never get past A… *sigh. Sometimes women like me are envious of women like you Jillian. Really. If I were your gym mate standing next to you… I’d feel insecure.
@ Carl- You might be on to something. If I had used my boobs to dominate the street, I would have treated my hos with the utmost respect.
@ Jasmine- There are pros and cons to everything. Like when I went to Knotts Berry Farm on Saturday and got on a roller coaster. I could barely pull down the harness that locks passengers in place because of ‘tha girls’… THAT’S embarrassing. Everyone is right there looking at you…. bleh!
Cutting out the middleman, I like that
Mine never saw their true potential until my daughter was born…now they also come in handy for holding binkies & car keys, lol.
Yep, I do love me some big ol’ titties.
I’m a C myself and really dislike the idea of big boobs. I developed early too and because when we’re young we want to grow up so quickly, I thought those big boobs would be wonderful - NOT! They were/are hot, they get in the way and of course they make men “think” that’s all we have going for us.
Your post made me laugh though. Maybe a daughter would be so big she’d need reduction surgery.
“good for drawing the attention of seedy men.”
Another thing that’s good for this is being female, especially if out in public.
“relegated to a life of paying for parking”
And don’t forget having to actually be qualified for jobs!
Ha I love the little tag thing over my name
I also love the fact that you checked out the boobs of his family, hahahaha.
The doodle is cool, but I am thinking the future daughter will look a lot better than that
Big ole titties… LMAO! I also love your drawing of breasts as big as bat wings… I laughed SO hard and god knows I needed that.
I’m sort of endowed myself and now I feel like I need a breast lift. My great grandmother could eventually tuck her’s into her waistband and so I’m not looking forward to hitting 80…. but I guess by then I won’t care about my waist boobs or the fact that I’ll have to lift up my skirt to flash someone my tits.
I’m also with Claire - your children will be absolutely gorgeous AND have two awesome parents with a GREAT sense of humor!!
Sometimes, bigger IS better
So even as a teen you were one smart cookie, realizing a middle man is for wimps. Cantaloupes are much better than mosquito bites, anytime!
Bet your ladies also hurt the back huh? So since you are on the topic of titties, how often do you go free boobin? I free boob every day! Damn bras piss me off!
@ Chelle- See? So all is not lost!
@ Qelqoth- That makes two of us.
@ MamaFlo- I wouldn’t mind getting by on my boobs. I mean they should be good for something, ya know? Sometimes I get a free upgrade to a larger size of coffee at Starbucks. But maybe they think I’m homeless and feel bad for me. It’s hard to say really.
@ .45- And don’t forget having to actually be qualified for jobs! LOL. Ya gotta get in where you fit in.
@ Claire- Yeah, I’m was checking them out. I wasn’t even subtle about it. I just hope they don’t think I’m weird.
@ TheMrs- Yeah I don’t think you care what your boobs are doing at 80. In fact I don’t think you even know where you are most of the time.
@ Frank- You speak the truth! I wonder… do guys complain about having large dicks? I’d like to be at that support group meeting.
@ Keli- Oh yeah. If I dealt in the flesh trade, I’d run it like a business. I’d have 401K’s, healthcare, dental… vacation plans, employee daycare (those crack babies can’t take care of themselves). The pimps are getting it all wrong.
@ Dirty Laundry Diva- Free boobin? Anytime I’m at home. My boobs are considered weapons, I have a card from the government and everything. If I even step outside without a bra on, agents have been instructed to put me down in seconds.
Finally somebody else drawing stickperson boobies on their blog. I hated being the only one.
I could laugh at the drawing but your art skills are better than mine..sad but true..:))))
well you’re funny and smart. that’s right, why have a middle man to beat you and take half. Bad Business 101 is right. lol.
well i got nothing up top. just two eggs…i thought about some surgery, but i would probably die on the table and for what? i can’t see the picture at work…will have to look when i get home.
that is The Best STICK FIGURE ever…..
ha ha ha ha ha ha…
this post is HILARIOUS….
In fact I am going to write a post about MY BOOBS (which will not be funny)
xxoo
Yay for big boobies!!!
We also have that legacy in our family. I think my daughter is gonna have some big old jugs too. I think you, me, and Claire should start a Big Boob Club!!!
Honey, I feel your pain. Mine are so big that if I don’t have a bra on they sort of just sit in my lap or drag the ground when I walk.
@ whatigotsofar- Yeah, I think this is by far my best work… and that’s not saying much.
@ Robert- No worries! maybe in 20 years, this will worth something… who knows, right?
@ Natural- Pfft! @ surgery! That’s vacation money!
@ Meleah Rebeccah- Oooo, well of course I am going to read it nonetheless! And this stick figure is precisely why I don’t bust out my drawing skills more often
@ Random- Just make sure you train her well. I mean she might as well get free stuff…
@ Mimzie- LOL. And since it’s Summertime, it’s just too hot for all of that!
Just stumbled upon your site. You rock girl! Will definitely be visiting again.
Cheers!
That is the best stick figure drawing ever…. you should put a comparison drawing of mosquito bites next to it! LOL
I was one of those “mosquito bite” girls in 7th grade.
It’s taken me a while, but I’m quite pleased with my perky little girls. Still, some big ole titties would balance out my giant ass. Can’t have everything, I guess.
@ Usha- Awesome! Does this mean i don’t have to bribe you to come back? Cuz I could buy you a drink or something… how about a nice steak? Dessert? Let me know
@ Dawn- Dammit, I should have thought of that! That would have been hilarious.
@ JD- I would do a “Baby Got Back” reference, but I would hate myself for it.
Why the hell do her boobs come out of her arms?
I guess that’s where they come from on stick figures?
I always wanted to know what stick titties looked like
Thanks!
Yeah boobs that big are too targets on your chest and us guys aren’t going to look away. I’m a pig so i would look but i would keep comments to myself lol.
I have never and will never have membership to the itty bitty titty club. I think my girls need names because men tend to talk to them a lot.
@ Mike- The anatomy of a stick figure person, a woman no less, is a mystery.
@ soge shirts- Well, if you HAVE to look, it’s good you won’t say anything!
@ Beeker- Hahaha. I know, right? My chest has been involved in a lot of conversations that have left the rest of me completely out. Amazing!
LOL! Loved the Bad Business Practice 101 part. You rock !
They look like wings in that picture.
Reading this brought back memories of elementary school when I was the ONLY girl with boobies and the other kids used to stare at my chest like I was a mutant and ask in amazement, “Do you wear a BRA?”
But now that I think about it, I much prefer that to what you got, sheesh.
But(t) I would love you…
Even though I don’t have anything constructive to add here, I feel that I must comment here. I mean, come on — it’s about about tits. For as much trouble as they cause me over the years, I love a full set of big tits. Real, “fake”, perky, or not, I love ‘em.
@ John- Oh man, you should see when I write a GOOD post!!!
Thanks for stopping by. Next time, you can buy me a drink!
@ sudiegirl Yeah… they are also lopsided, too. I was going for a bit of realism.
@ Mrs. R.- Yeah… those bastards! This reminds me of when I was 16 and this nasty guy was hitting on me. Anyways, he was like: “Can I have your phone number?” And I said, “Oh, I don’t have a phone…” Anyways, he just wouldn’t go away… so finally I said, “I’m only 16!!!” And he shrugged and said, “So?” EWWW!
@ JD- LMAO. You’re cool.
@ TOPolk- LOL.. as much trouble as they’ve caused you? I demand some stories.
ok.. now thats one strange looking stick figure…
Am sure if you guys had a daughter, she would much more gorgeous.
p.s. am trying not to laugh too much. my ribs are aching. LOL…
@ Arv- I hope so. I mean if our daughter really did look like this, I would have some explaining to do.
[...] THIS POST was absolutely hysterical. Jillian reminded me that women readers will understand what I am about [...]
OMG! I feel your pain. I developed early and I lived near a college so I would get hit on by college guys all the time. But I was shy so I was always trying to strap ‘em down in sports bras and XXL shirts. Man, if I’d know the power of boobies back then I would have been way more popular in high school!
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