Screw You, Asshole!: What I Should Have Said…
Not too long ago, I StumbledUpon the awesomeness of “What I Should Have Said”. The premise behind this site is simple. Users are encouraged to share a situation in which they neglected to come up with a witty or scathing retort, then take an opportunity to express what they should have said in the first place. A lot of the anecdotes are downright hilarious and well worth the read. If you have some free time, I recommend checking this place out.
Being a fan of Seinfeld, anything to do with second-chance-responses (SCR) makes me think of the episode where George was insulted by a co-worker for eating too many shrimp. Long after the incident occurred, George thinks of the retaliatory Jerk Store line and spends the remaining part of the show trying to use it.
“Hey George the ocean called, they’re running out of shrimp!
“Oh yeah? Well the Jerk Store called, they’re running out of YOU!”
I too have had instances where a chance to show off my arsenal of biting insult and sarcasm was missed. I’m known for a few things, but none of them are the ability to think on my feet. With that said, I feel it’s high time I make peace with a few past scenarios:
The scene: My 8th grade teacher, who everyone thought was a lesbian, caught me in the hallway after classes had started. She was known for being a bitch and decided I was as good a target as any. She walked up to me and practically yelled: “Well??!! Don’t you have some place to be?!”
My original response was: “Uhhh… yeah.”
What I Should Have Said: “Don’t YOU have some carpet to munch?”
*****
The scene: So I had some problems with a few girls in Jr. High (my Awesomeness developed a little late in life). One Summer, after I dropped a lot of weight, I came back to school in some short shorts and a tank top (I fancied myself looking kinda good - *Ahem* and I DID). Anyway, these girls came up to me and had the nerve to say: “Wow, looks like someone finally bought some new clothes.”
My original response was: “Uhhh… yeah.” (it’s cool, go ahead and cringe)
What I Should Have Said: “And yet you guys didn’t buy new faces.”
*****
There. Much better.
Your turn!
21 Responses for "Screw You, Asshole!: What I Should Have Said…"
my I should have saids will get me in trouble and in a fight.
I AM QUICK ON MY FEET when it comes to being sarcastic, it’s a gift
i keep my mouth shut, I don’t have time to beat everyone’s, er um ….
Lately, as I have widened in the waist region, many people have noted my, let’s call it, gut-gerth. My usual retort, other than the obvious “Just more of me to love, babe,” is “Hey, this is Canada, I’ve gotta keep the winter fat all year round.”
And if you actually had the nerve to call a teacher a carpet-muncher, you be hailed as the Queen of Balls. You would also have spent some time under suspension, but you would be forever remembered and revered.
I got in way way too much trouble for my should of saids, which I have now toned down as I am all nice now.
I bit my tongue recently when I saw a nasty bitch from school in her new job as a toilet cleaner at my college. She was a horrible nasty bully and regularly threatened to beat people.
I said: Hello.
Should of said: I hope many many people have diarrhea, shit everywhere, piss everywhere and leave blood on the toilet.
or something like that
That was fun, I may think of some more.
Good retorts. I’m sure those people are reading your blog and realizing that they just got “burned!”
In my last job, I went to the head of the agency who claimed he had an open door policy and he would help in any matter that would not be resolved through normal channels. He refused to even listen to my problem (company related.)
I said, “ok, fine.”
I should have said, “Fuck you, you miserable fascist pig. I’ll see you in court.”
OH, OH!! I have a good one: My ex-husband told me on the day I asked for a divorce (after he told me he had been cheating on me), “You’ll never find anyone as good as me.”
My response was: “I still want a divorce.”
Which isn’t that bad but I should have said: “You’re absolutely right. I will never find anyone who is as good of an asshole as you. Buh-bye!”
@ Natural- LOL. I really do have a hard time coming up with snappy things to say while I’m “in the moment”. But later, when I’m in the car driving home, I produce gold. Bah. Also, sometimes an ass beatin is necessary.
@ whatigotsofar- Yeah… I really pussed out on that one. But I DO feel vindicated now though.
@ Claire- Or you could say, “You’re so lucky to have a job that’s perfect for you.” Bah!!
@ Mimzie- Hahaha. They probably aren’t though
@ Joe- Hell yeah. I think we could use a time machine right about now.
@ Random- Oooo, the Anti-compliment. YES! And what a douche! I hate guys who think you should put up with anything because they think they’re so great. FUCK THAT SHIT!
What I wish I could say to my boss pretty much every time he walks into my office and opens his mouth:
“How does it feel to have to own your own company because you’re not qualified to be hired anywhere?”
Zingers just aren’t always easy to come by in the heat of the moment LOL
HAHAHAHA I Freaking love this entry! I totally remember that seinfeld too what a great episode that was.
- LOL. Amazing how something can sound like a compliment, but really be an insult!
@ Frank- So true. I’ve gotten a bit better over the years. But I don’t have to come up them as often.
@ Phats- I have watched that video clip at least 10 times…. I LOL everything time!
first thought that came to mind about the teacher was “You’re just upset coz even fat balding men don’t wanna watch you munch carpet”
HA! I love your S-C-R’s. And, in true fashion of not being able to think on my feet, I can’t come up with any of my own right now. But, oh, the many sleepless nights I spent engaged in soul-crushing responses to those who had slighted me.
That site is awesome, by the way.
@ Carl- I think anything would have been better than just, “Uhhh yeah.”
@ JD- LOL. I think of most of my comebacks in the car, and I make Jan reenact the conversation so I can feel better about it (after I slip in my snarky remark, that is).
All this is very very funny! That site too! And we own the whole Seinfeld series on DVD. Is that where you got your anti-overachievers scholarship idea?
@ Roufa Tav Gosou @ Mimi Lass- Yeah, I LOVE Seinfeld. The scholarship idea came from a conversation I had with my friend P who is currently getting his Masters degree. We were talking about the cost of college and I was telling him what kind of scholarship someone like me needed.
Man I have so many of those moments I don’t even know where to start…I don’t really remember most of them either. I’ve never been good with the snappy comebacks. It’s a bit of an art, really.
@ Chelle - I can agree with it being an art. Dammit!
and when Costanza got shut down with
“yeah who cares Your The Top Seller”
hahahahahahahaah
ps: I am totally checking out that site
@ Meleah Rebeccah- LOL… and remember when he used Kramer’s line about sleeping with the guy’s wife, only to be told that she had been in a coma for the last few years? Hahaha.
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