The Way I Clean My Ears is Practically Orgasmic
Ever since I saw the episode of ER where Noah Wyle pulled a live roach from a patient’s ear, the fear of suffering the same fate has lived in the back of my mind. I’ve thought of wearing earplugs at night to prevent such an occurrence, but I never do. Instead, I clean my ears several times a day. Before I could adopt such a regiment though, I had to face the challenge of choosing the proper tools.
As a kid, I was taught to clean my ears with a Q-tip and a bit of alcohol (NOT the Jack Daniels kind). I would immerse one end of a q-tip in the sanitizing liquid, then stick it in my ear and swirl it around. This accomplished two things: 1) absolutely nothing; and 2) it pissed me off. Apparently this method only served to shift the wax slightly to the right instead of just removing it altogether. After a few failed attempts with this system, the time had come to move on.
So I graduated to bobby pins. 
Bobby pins are perfect for all your ear-cleaning needs. You simply aim the rounded end toward the suspected problem area, then ’scoop’ and remove. On several occasions, this technique has allowed me to discover pesky nuggets of wax that would eventually interfere with my hearing. It also prevented me from later panicking about whether or not something had finally found its way into my ear.
I discovered I got quite excited when I scooped out a hardened ball of wax, the feeling was one of triumph and such purpose! It was all quite addicting. Once I hit my stride with the bobby pin, there was no stopping me. No place was off-limits. I was cleaning at school, work, homes of friends, and sometimes at the dinner table following a pleasant meal. If there were disgusted looks, I didn’t notice. All that mattered was the feeling of digging around dangerously close to my eardrum and ridding myself of all my wax. Sometimes, if my findings were especially impressive, I would show others. It’s been said this habit has something to do with why I’m no longer welcome at parties, but who cares? Ever since I armed myself with the perfect ear-cleaning instrument, I refuse to let stifling societal mores stand between me and my anti-wax & insect crusade.
39 Responses for "The Way I Clean My Ears is Practically Orgasmic"
Hmmm, not sure if I want you coming to visit anymore. Perhaps I can find you a hotel to stay at when you finally make it over here.
Do you get a challenge that involved using the words societal mores?
Your ears are safe! but what about your food?
Ketchup — 30 fruit fly eggs per 100 grams
Canned corn — 2 insect larvae per 100 grams
Blueberries — 2 maggots per 100 berries
Peanut butter — 50 insect fragments per 100 grams
Curry powder — 100 insect fragments per 100 grams
Wheat — 1% of grains infested
Sesame seed — 5% of seeds infested
Coffee — 10% of beans infested
@ Carl- Did you miss the part where I said I show it to you?? THAT’S awesome and you’re crazy to miss out on something like that.
@ Claire- Would you believe I’ve been holding on to “societal mores” since February? And plus, it’s not often I get to sound smart… a girl needs to take advantage. — Also, THANKS SO MUCH for ruining food for me. You didn’t say what was in beer, so I still have that at least.
They are the allowed limits too
I am sure a few rat turds get into the hops that make beer.
haha!
Its not good to hold onto things, as you well know, I want you drop more intellectual stuff to confuddle me
hmmm, I remembering trying them in my child days and the adults used to scare me that I would go deaf… but they are as good as you say they are…
what other tools have you tried on your ear??? LOL…
Have a good one mate… Cheers…
Why do you wish to deprive a poor bug a home? They have to live somewhere, you know!
Bobby pins and my ears don’t go together that well, the silly pin would get lost in my cavernous hole LOL
Whoa! TMI!!! I was eating when I read this…bleeech!
BTW, nice use of the words “societal mores.” You rock! I’m so not worthy!
Were we separated at birth? Uh, I think so!
I *love* cleaning my ears…I am all over that bobby-pin idea. Thanks!
Dear Jillian,
1) Cleaning your ears out obsessively can lead to multiple & chronic ear infections.
2) I know someone whose husband busted through his ear drum with a q tip.
I don’t know if you were serious about this, but please don’t use a freaking hairpin!!!!!!!!!
I too feel like cleaning my ears is as good as sex, but I try to restrain myself to once or twice a week ever since I learned that my obsessive ear masturbation might be the reason for my chronic ear infections.
You need an intervention. Skip the ear cleaning and buy a vibrator.
Sincerely,
A reader who cares about your health.
Ever since a doctor recommended Debrox to me, there’s been no going back. You put a couple drops of that shit in your ear, and it eats away the buildup with a delightful popping and crackling sensation (while it breaks it down). Flush with water and you can now hear police sirens approaching from miles away,
@ Claire- I don’t know if I have any more intellectual stuff. That requires reading a book or something.
@ Arv- Oh yeah, the bobby pin is dangerous if not used cautiously. Hmmm, what other things have I used? Pen caps, pencils, and chopsticks (these didn’t work out so well).
@ Franklin- See Frank you gotta get your wife to do it for you, then. It can be a bonding experience.
@ Random Chick- Every now and then I like to sound like I know what I’m talking about. It doesn’t happen often, so I need to take the opportunities when I can.
@ Mimzie- I think so. I’ve always wanted a sister!
@ Meleah Rebeccah- I say go for it… just be careful. The experience is truly rewarding.
@ Angelika- Oh yeah… I’ve been using bobby pins since I was a kid. I’ve never had an ear infection , though. LOL @ ear masturbation - I like the way that sounds. Buy a vibrator? And put Jan out of commission? I think he still has a few miles left on him.
@ .45- That stuff sounds awesome… and a bit gross. When you flush it with water, is it all brown and gooey? Does it smell?
I didn’t see that episode of ER. My paranoia began with the story about a year ago now where a boy had not one but two spiders in his ear…
I flush my ears out in the shower every day. That way I figure if something did crawl in there that I can’t get out, at least I can drown it.
I will never forget that episode. I have a hard time watching medical shows to this day, fearing a reprise of that scene!
Very cool blog, by the way.
Why would I smell something that was in my ear?
Oh man. I remember the first time my mom used a bobby pin (or a ‘barbie pin’ as my 5 year old hearing likes to remember it) to clean my ears. Not only was it the best feeling in the world, but it got rid of SO MUCH earwax.
I agree w/ you wholeheartedly on the bobby pin method. The only thing that may be better is a cell phone antenna. The last company I worked for provided us cell phone w/ an antenna that was juuuust right.
I hope whoever got my phone after I left never decided that chewing on their antenna would be a good way to pass the time.
@ Mrs. R.- Eww… 2 spiders? Yikes! When Jan and I were up in Sacramento, one of his brothers (who is in the Army) told us a really nasty story. Apparently one of his buddies was bitten by a spider, and that part of his arm swelled to an unhealthy size. He went to the doctor to have it “drained” , and when they cut his arm open, it was filled with SPIDER LARVAE!!! Gross, huh?
@ Jeff- Thanks! You can come by any time, just knock first.
@ .45- You aren’t curious about stuff like that? I am.
@ TOPolk- Do you know how nice it is to see someone who can relate? I think I like you even more than before
And lol @ your phone atenna.
I should not be saying this - but i discovered that a piece of my dreadlocks in my ear tickles and it feels oh so nice…
If there is a reason to keep my dreadlocks… it will be because of how perfectly nice and glorious one strand makes my ears feel. (and my toes curl)
How appropriate of a topic - yesterday my daughter had her 9 month check up and i got to be the one to hold her down while the doctor is using something (it does look like a bobby pin actually) to dig it all out.
But wouldn’t it make more sense to allow the wax to build up as a way to keep out the roaches, and just learn to read lips?
I do that, along with a veritable forest of ear hair as my anti-roach system.
ROFL You crack me up!
I will second Angelika though…cleaning your ears, if not done carefully and properly, can be dangerous to your hearing.
Though I can’t help but use a Q-tip after a shower. I hate feeling wet ears.
ROFL @ ear masturbation!!!
FYI, there is a Japanese implement designed specifically for ear cleaning. It’s called a mimikaki, and it’s like a tiny, smooth spoon, carved from bamboo. Some have little feather dusters on the other end, and some have little traditional dolls or other decorations. You should find some of those! They are wonderful.
@ Dark Angel- LOL. There is nothing wrong with that!!!!
@ Chelle- Awww… hopefully one day she’ll grow to appreciate how wonderful it feels!
@ Joe- Eewww.
@ castocreations- Oh yeah… so far I’ve been playing it safe. I can’t imagine stopping cold turkey. *shudder*
@ GeekMom- That sounds lovely and worth looking up. Thanks!
I can identify with that feeling and cleaning out your ears. I get that feeling when I floss my teeth, though.
It’s like, “Ohh, cleaner teeth…Oh, yeah…Oh floss me, baby. Floss me!”
Seriously McMillan
Author & Humorist
This is incredible! It means my old boxful of bobby pins can take on a whole new life. I knew I kept them around for a reason. But really, I cover my ears at night with a thick swank of hair (my own) or very tightly with my sheets. I knew an acquaintance that had a spider make a nest in her ear and it wasn’t pretty.
@ Seriously- Cleaning my teeth? I should try that…
@ Keli- If you have those bobby pins, I say use them! And Eww @ your acquaintance. I’ve heard a few stories like that…. NASTY. It’s all I need to keep up this habit.
How funny that you bring up the way I also clean my ears - taught to me in kind 50+ years ago when my mother cleaned out my ears this way and bobby pins were more common place. In a pinch, bobby pins can be used like clothes pins for smaller items too.
Anyway, I think I’d be pretty grossed out at the whole showing me your wax thing but I’d be interested to know the color of your wax as my color changes significantly during certain seasons.
Bless you my child… now I know I am not the only one walking around poking my ear with a bobby pin.
@ MamaFlo- Cool. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. Really, we need to raise awareness about the awesomeness of bobby pins! But my wax stays much a dark brown color… unless it’s one of those hardened balls I mentioned, then it’s almost black.
@ Monique- Woot! I’m glad to know I’m not alone!!
I too am addicted to prodding my ear holes with Goody hair pins. Also Q-Tips and a little device I call the Earswiper 3000: it’s when you grab a tissue and roll it between your thumb and forefinger to form a long spindly pokin’ tool. Hynotizing.
However, my boyfriend is aghast at me and my quest for spotlessly clean ears and read me a news article about a man who punctured his eardrum while cleaning too passionately, got an infection and it spread to his brain. He dead!
So, hate to be Captain Buzzkill but just a word of warning…proceed with caution in the old ear pipes.
@ Grumpus- It’s OK, Captain Buzzkill is welcome here, too. But yes, I will be careful… careful like a ninja.
OMGOSH!!! Ear Cleaning is my SEX!! I am just saying.. I really think I have had the BIG “O” SO does that make me not a V anymore??????? HAHA!!!!
Single!
@ Single- LOL… I think you can still call yourself a V
Oh! Have you tried ear drops? I’m addicted to them. That sensation of the liquid tricking into your ear canal is so squirmy and pleasurable. And then you lean your head the other way, and it trickles out. Accompanied by balls of wax, and possibly a roach or two. It’s awesome!
A good ear cleaning does give you that shivery yummy sensation.
I have used hydrogen peroxide dripped in, on the recommendation of a doctor after I had swimmer’s ear. He told me using a Q-Tip was just like using a battering ram to jam the wax farther into your ear. The peroxide gives you the sound of pop rocks as it snap, crackles, and pops in your ears.
@ JD- That sounds tempting and a bit gross
@ Melissa- I will have to try this then. Since the writing of this post, I have lost all my Bobby pins
I have the same fear, except it’s with moths crawling into my ear. I’ve had it since I was a child, and used to cover my ear with the duvet at night. Funnily enough, I got the idea from an English hospital programme called Casualty (a watered down version of ER) when a nurse plucked a moth from the ear of a patient. Since then, my fear has gotten worse. I now have a phobia of moths.
@ twistedteenager- Ewww @ moths. LOL… that freaks me out as well.
OMG..I FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY. It’s all I do at night for hours. PROPS 2 THE BOBBY PIN
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