X’s Unfortunate Mishap: Sexual Situations to Avoid
Meet L.
L is a girl with a friend. You know, a fuckbuddy.
One day L’s friend dropped by with the intention of knockin’ some boots, we’ll call this guy ‘X’. The door was opened, greetings were exchanged, and a bit of smalltalk was had. L, being a bit awkward about kicking things off, usually let X take the lead. X never minded though, he 
always knew what to do. They would start off with a little kissing, then a bit of necking, and soon things would really start to heat up.
The two ‘buddies’ would inevitably move to the bedroom.
On normal occasions the deed went off without a hitch. But one ill-fated day, X arrived ready to party only to leave completely embarrassed and emasculated.
Read on to find out why.
*****
L was burning hot and ready. X was so turned on, it was painful. The two fell on the bed as they hastily removed clothing, each preparing to reach mutual ecstasy. Things were looking good until X remembered something important.
Unlike a Boy Scout who is always prepared, he had forgotten his condoms.
L, no stranger to what goes on between a man and a woman, had some condoms left over from a previous partner. An especially well endowed previous partner. Quick as lightening, L formed a plan: What if X tried using one of the left over Magnums? 
Surely that could work. A bit hesitant at first, X decided to go for it anyway. The packet was torn open and the condom was freed. The contraceptive was hastily put on, but to X’s embarrassment and L’s dismay…
It was TOO BIG.
To describe how it looked is difficult, but imagine a hot dog in a sandwich bag. No, wait. Imagine a lone straw in a tall glass. Imagine a single french fry in a Super-Sized box. Or just imagine a tiny dick in a giant condom.
L looked from X’s poorly covered ‘package’ to his face; she reached down and touched the condom, confirming the reality of what she saw.
L: Um, maybe this could work if you held it on during…
X: (pained laugh) I don’t think that’s going to happen.
X was quick to recover, and on his feet in seconds. He mumbled about having something to do and quickly got dressed. L knew this was bad, but still suggested they head to the corner store to purchase the proper sized ‘love gloves’. X made another excuse and hustled out of the apartment. He neglected to call for a week, then sent apology through a mutual friend.
L shrugged the whole thing off and put the rest of those Magnums to good use.
*First photo courtesy of miss karen
*Second photo courtesy of Rick Audet
41 Responses for "X’s Unfortunate Mishap: Sexual Situations to Avoid"
OMGOSH!! How more embarrassing could that be? I mean I thought one size fit all! hahahahah! He had something there or she would not have been sleeping with him, or did she fake it? or was he doing something else to please her!
I feel so sorry for X! lol
Ne
HahahaHeeheehee
Hilarious, thank you so very much for the laughter!!!!
When I was using condoms my partners never used colored condoms, I was young and I probably would have been afraid I’m have a blue pussy and then everyone would know I screwed. Heeeeheee
Seriously, had I ever put a huge condom on a smaller penis it would have been excruciatingly embarrassing for both of us.
I sooooo enjoyed this post!!!!
How terribly funny
I think I dated this guy once. Seriously.
Obviously, X was appropirately sized if they screwed together before.
I don’t know why the bitch didn’t blow the poor bastard, or you know, do the whole 69 thing?
Once you go “Magnum,” you never go back. It would have never lasted anyway…
Can’t say that’s ever happened to me.
Glad I woudn’t have this problem. That is, if I ever wore condoms. I can’t imagine sex without hot love juice.
@ NE- Yeah, This was just poor judgment all around.
@ MamaFlo- Haha, I totally get why X just up and left. Also, would it have been so bad if everyone knew you had sex?
@ Frank- Poor guy.
@ Mimzie- I’m beginning to think we know a lot of the same people.
@ Mike- Have I told you how much I like your comments? Jan laughed out loud when he read what you said.
@ Random- Nothing like a magnum to “fill you up”.
@ whatigotsofar- I hope not. I wouldn’t want to trigger any bad memories or anything.
@ .45- No condoms? Nipple rings? Leather pants? I demand some pics or a video or SOMETHING. Don’t be a tease.
There’s nothing sexy about a condom. “Yo, cool your jets while I fumble with this fucking thing so I can then not enjoy feeling you on me, like I’m handling radioactive material.” Nuh-uh. Ironically, the only girl that’s even asked me to wear one in like the last decade was a stripper; so if anyone asks me again, I’ll have to assume she’s also a stripper.
@ .45- Condoms DO suck for guys, but how do you prevent yourself from contracting anything? I mean, you must really know and trust your partners…
You don’t use crisp packets and rubber bands in America? Interesting.
I am beginning to think .45 is a porn star and is regularly tested for diseases therefore the lacks the need of rubber gloves, hmmmmm.
@ Claire- LOL @ crisp packets. Sometimes I think .45 says shit to shock me, but I think he’s really telling the truth. If he is a porn star, then he’s been holding out on us.
Yes I think Mr.45 is telling the truth, but he shocks you? I can’t believe that!
You will just have to watch an extensive amount of porn and wait to see if any of the blokes say anything like:
” I am going to shoot my .45 caliber pistol right in your face” or something like that
Not a heckuva lot of memories to trigger.
@ Claire- Hmm, I think we need some more input from Mr. .45 I hope he hasn’t gotten all shy on us.
@ whatigotsofar- That’s good. I should think someone would want to forget something like this.
Poor guy. At least she tried to handle it with some tact!
I would have laughed my ass off, LOL
The longer he leaves it, the more shit we can make up
Most STDs, though unpleasant, are easily treatable and still pretty rare. As for the lethal big guns, statistically, you have about as much chance of contracting them heterosexually (orally and vaginally) as you do being decapitated by a renegade, flying sawblade; and I don’t fear renegade, flying sawblades. Sure, John Holmes contracted, but he was John Holmes. Of course, this is all assuming that you’re not having unprotected anal with an IV drug user; which would be going all in, so to speak. I’ll glove up for anal, for sanitary reasons alone; and I try to stay away from IV drugs users, because they always try to steal my T.V.
And yes, I get tested as regularly as possible. Doesn’t everyone?
@ Angelika- Haha. I mean seriously, there is NO WAY I would have even bothered if I were him.
@ Claire- Haha, looks like we drew him out.
@ .45- LOL. I worry about you.
Awww. It’s okay. I’ve slowed down. But really, this isn’t Uganda. These things are over-sensationalized in the media. Driving a car is riskier, and most people do that everyday.
@ .45- Thank goodness. I mean just the idea of you not being to update your blog gives me chills.
Funny. I feel the same about updating. Computer issues are giving me an aneurysm lately.
They don’t use carrier bags and sellotape either. Peh. Americans know nothing about banging a midget hooker when your brain is raped from crack withdrawals.
@Jillian, Yep drew him out indeed, but he went all indignant on us and I cant think of anything funny to say.
Except don’t let him teach sex education in schools
@.45, Hurry up and sort out your connection.
@qelqoth, I think the midget hooker thing is just you. I hope you recycle your carrier bags
I am your unofficial comment at other people on your blog person by the way
I was a virgin when I met my first husband. He was my first and we married 5 years later. I had never seen another love rocket up close. My first experience after divorce was not a pleasant one. Not only was there a good six inches hanging from the tip of the condom and a big roll on the bottom, I couldn’t FEEL him at all.
I think the pointing and laughing ruined that relationship.
Praise Jesus I’m married and don’t have to worry about crisp packets and duct tape. Although that does sound a bit kinky, muhahaha.
Didn’t mean to sound indignant. Just getting frustrated w/ my computer. I want to kick it across the street with the creme douche.
@ .45- I didn’t think you sounded indignant. But then I’m bad at “reading” people over the Internets. In my mind, your voice always a mix of sarcasm and cynicism. In other news, my connection was down most of the day. I swear Time Warner is fucking useless. Seriously, they really are. Stupid cum rags, the lot of them.
@ Qelqoth- Midgets make me nervous. Also, what the hell is sellotape?
@ Claire- You’re making it very easy to like you
But don’t worry, I still think you’re totally badass and shit.
@ Christine- “I couldn’t FEEL him at all. —- Hahahaha. Why do guys with pencils even bother?
@ Melissa- I hope “crisps” is another word for “crackers”. Otherwise, the Brits might be the freakiest people ever.
@.45, I apologise for saying that you were indignant, I hadn’t taken my humour pill,I hope you get the connection sorted soon
Oh I am clean as a whistle by the way.
@Jillia, Phew don’t ruin my reputation by thinking I am nice, heh. Someone has to keep you in check and look after you commenters. Its not like I have other stuff to do that I am avoiding …..
You don’t know what crisps are? or sellotape? Madness!
And its Thursday where is my new post?
OMFG…I almost feel bad for the poor guy. But it was a wonderful laugh for me!
(ps….Im back from vacation…man I missed this blog!!)
@Jillian- “Stupid cum rags” … How did you find the name of my autobiography? Is it on Google?
It’s not just my connection. Everything’s running ganky, too. I think from the heat out here.
@Claire- “Oh I am clean as a whistle by the way.” … That’s about as good a pickup line as I need.
@ Claire- Yeah, it was Thursday… fuck. I hate when shit comes up that keeps me from my beloved blog.
@ Meleah Rebeccah- Hey! Glad you’re back!!!
Yeah, X should have just said “no”.
@ .45- Bah. don’t even mention heat, it’s has totally ruined my last three nights of sleep. I get grouchy when I don’t sleep.
Jillian…
You are cordially invited to Random Chick’s BitchFest 2008. Please come along and bitch with us!
Yeah, I heard it was 116 down there today. What was I thinking when I wanted to move back? I’m having enough trouble with 102.
This is hilarious, Jillian. ” a lone straw in a tall glass”? That’s tiny!
Situations like this are exactly why I don’t wear condoms (well that and the fact that it feels way better). Seriously, now a guy has to wear Magnums in order to have an appropriately sized penis? That’s ridiculous.
Wait, I’m not saying I have a small penis. I’m just saying it’s not fair to expect me to use it as a baseball bat. Why can’t you just appreciate our penises for how big they are instead of making us try to wear mosquito netting masquerading as a prophylactic.
I guess this what we get for evaluating women based on the size of their chests.
And I still think she owes him a hummer for the humiliation.
On second thought, scratch the blowjob. I’ve never heard of a guy “forgetting” the condoms when that was the deciding factor in burying his member. The dude probably just thought they’d been boning long enough that he could role commando up in her.
She flipped the situation, so I’m actually going to give her some credit.
Although a blowjob wouldn’t have been completely out of order.
@ Garrett- LOL. What if she wasn’t on birth control? Ewww. Also, if your member IS small, that’s cool. I don’t [always] judge.
No one said dicks have to be magnum sized. It’s just hilarious that X came unprepared and the condoms on hand weren’t quite for him.
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