Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics
Just the other day, I was heading into the grocery store to stock up on soda and ice cream when I was sidelined by a guy with a toothy smile asking me to sign some sort of petition. I made the mistake of saying, “Oh, I’m not registered to vote in this city yet” - yeah yeah, not the best response. As soon as the careless words tumbled from my mouth it was like he saw me in a new light. Whereas before I was just another face he was trained to throw the usual spiel at, now I had become a confirmation of his necessity… the very reason he was standing in the shade sweating profusely. It was citizens like me who drove him to get up, adorn his ill-fitting suit, and solicit participation in the Democratic process. Yes! Not only could he get me involved “in the system”, but he could grant me the right to complain over the current state of affairs. And if there’s one thing I value in the world (aside from an impressive Anime collection), it’s the right to complain.
Amongst a few laughs, I registered to vote AND signed the stupid petition. And just to show him I valued the ability to create change in our government, I read the whole thing… every over-complicated word of it. I could tell he was impressed seeing someone so young taking their ‘voice’ seriously. He happily answered all the questions I posed and even offered information I didn’t ask for. For example, he was nice enough to give me some advice on marriage - you know, the hardcore stuff they won’t even put in books: “You have to train him (referring to my husband) early. You’re in control!” I laughed when I heard this. Does he know who I’m married to?
But his spigot of information didn’t turn off there. The guy dabbed sweat off his brow and then cited a statistic which I had only heard half of before:
Guy: Did you know [on average] single women live 7 years longer than married women, and married men [on average] live 10 years longer than single men?
Me: Well that sucks… are you trying to tell me something?
Guy: No, I just thought you should know.
Me: Umm, thanks.
Guy: You’re welcome.
I was tempted to ask where he got such information and if he was married himself. I doubt it, he gave off a strong impression of still living with mom. Not that there’s anything wrong with living with your mom… except if you’re a grown unmarried man in a bad fitting suit giving marriage pointers without ever having been married yourself.
But I realize there are a lot of stats I have taken at face value. Either I have read them in passing or people have relayed them to me from a source of their own finding. Like when I was 13 my mom took me to the doctor to discuss my menstruation cycle. All I knew was now I could have babies; I was to learn later there was a bit more to it than that. Anyway, my doctor gave me all these pamphlets about a woman’s body and just what it’s going through during that “time of month”. I read in one of them that on average a woman loses half a cup of blood during her period, though it may seem like more. This comforted me because in my mind it set some kind of boundary. I wouldn’t die or be terribly weakened from losing just half a cup over a span of 5-7 days. Whew.
I have read that most accidents happen within 5 miles of home, that people drive an average of 12,000 miles a year, that women speak twice as any words as men in a day, that the average career of a NFL running back is 5 years, that the more times you get married the more likely each marriage is to fail, that by 2025 more kids will be born out of wedlock than in, and that if a guy eats pineapple his sperm will taste yummy.
I can’t remember where on earth I read the last one.
21 Responses for "Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics"
I love random statistics. Somehow, it makes people feel smarter if you quote them…maybe that’s what that dude thought or he was trying to pick up on you.
I agree with Random Chick…he may have been trying to pick you up!
Oh no!!!! You should ALWAYS say that you “no speaka the english” or “I’m not from your country.” Trust me on this one. It always works.
LOL, I really like your remark: “…he gave off a strong impression of still living with mom. Not that there’s anything wrong with living with your mom… except if you’re a grown unmarried man in a bad fitting suit giving marriage pointers without ever having been married yourself.”
And then a man like that one tries to sell you some “picked-who-knows-where” wisdom (and along the way probably tries to pick YOU up)…. Thank for this one, I loved every single word! :)))
@ Random- I hope he wasn’t trying to flirt or anything… I mean, why embarrass us both?
@ angel- LOL. That makes my stomach hurt.
@ Mimzie- Dammit! He caught me right after I got off work, so my defenses were down. It’ll never happen again though.
@ Ann- No no no, thank you! He really did kept saying that I was in control and blah blah blah… I’m thinking he must like to be dominated.
90% of statistics are correct 50% of the time LOL
I stopped registering to vote because every time I’ve registered in the past, like clockwork, I would receive a jury summons 2 weeks later. Thanks for penalizing me for wanting to have a voice that’s always drowned out by midwest rednecks anyway. Hope you also set aside some time to make $10/day being so bored you’ll want to kill someone yourself. Compared to some clown on the street badgering people to sign a petition, however, that’s a pretty good payday.
I have to admit though, that I do enjoy spitting out random statistics, which are accurate 80% of the time. Of course, people will believe anything coming from a man that eats a lot of pineapple.
Hey! How come you don’t visit my blog anymore…was it something I said?
When people start throwing out statistics, they lose their credibility with me! It’s like verbal crutches. “What I have to say is utter shite. Better throw out some numbers to make me sound ‘in the know’!”
And when they begin prefacing comments with “Studies say…”, well that’s hauling out the big guns.
Duh. He was totally hitting on you.
“Did you know [on average] single women live 7 years longer than married women”
Well that is GOOD NEWS for this single gal with absolutely no prospects.
I have also heard that last one… on one too many occasions as if someone was trying to give me a hint that I needed to be doing other things..
And its about time you got back to writing!!! You’ve been missed.
I’ve heard that single women live longer than single men.
I take it to mean that they drive us to the grave while we are keeping them alive by nagging them about going to the doctor.
My favorite thing to do in those situations is pretend that they never existed or that I’m deaf. Where did you hear the last sentence. lol My gf is going to make me buy pineapple now.
Mmmm, pineapple… I’ll need to get the other half to verify the last statement… actually, just forget I said anything, if she finds out I said anything I won’t be needing pineapple or anything else for that matter.
Stem cell research and pioneers in the field of cloning helped create me from Jesus Christ’s DNA. Therefore, I am Jesus v2.0 and thus, I can never die. Lol.
What a classy blog. All the way down to Qelqoth. Did you know “his” real name is Helen? Not Jesus either. DNA of a goat and can never wash.
But the rest of your blog was simply super today. Nice to hear from Jan last post too.
Those people drive me nuts, I usually avoid them like the plague. Glad you registered to vote though!
What kind of Ice Cream did you get? Cookie Dough?
I refute claims made against my editor by “Relax Max”.
Mr. Max - this is a common misconception held by skeptics such as yourself. While you are partially correct, I wish to make things perfectly clear.
My editor was made from goat DNA and the goat in question was named “Jesus”. He was aptly named after the sex offender featured in “The Big Lebowski”.
Also, he can wash himself. He just chooses not to as this gets him free food at the homeless shelter.
Im really not liking the fact that you seem to be awol from the blog scene.
/whistles in the wind
I thank you for writing this. I wish the world could read it. lol.
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