Please Fill the Cup to This Line and Don’t Flush
Even though there are quite a few hoops to jump through before starting a new job, I’ve never gotten used to peeing in a cup as part of this process.
Sure, the company I’ll be working for needs to know I’m not a crackhead, but I just wish there was a less awkward way to go about it. Whenever I’m handing the tester my cup of urine, I always feel like I should apologize or try my hand at small talk to break the mood. Maybe something like, “Don’t spill” or “It’s nice and fresh just like nature intended.” You know, anything to distract from what’s going on.
And what thoughts are swirling in the person’s mind as they accept my cup of warm liquid waste? Is this really the job they signed up for, or is it just a small part of their regular duties? Whenever they know someone is there for a drug test, do they cringe a little inside? There is no way I could keep my face impassive while I transferred someone’s piss into little tubes scheduled for send off to some lab. I actually commend the people assigned this task, because they really do make it seem like it’s the most normal thing in the world. A person rains gold in a cup, hands it to them, and they take care of the rest. Nothing odd about that at all.
I usually feel like a criminal during the whole operation even though I have nothing worry about… unless they start asking strategic questions about my teenage years. But really, there is just something strange about someone waiting outside the bathroom while I’m inside squatting over a toilet holding a cup. It does a really good job of making me feel dirty, and outside of the bedroom, that’s not cool.
So yeah, I can get down with gay marriage and even the people that like to suffocate themselves before orgasm. But having someone thank me for my steaming cup of fresh piss is weird.
34 Responses for "Please Fill the Cup to This Line and Don’t Flush"
[...] Please Fill the Cup to This Line and Don’t Flush Even though there are quite a few hoops to jump through before starting a new job, I’ve never gotten used to peeing in a cup as part of this process. Sure, the company I’ll be working for needs to know I’m not a crackhead, but I just wish there was a less awkward way to go about it. Whenever I’m handing the tester my cup of urine, I always feel like I should apologize or try my hand at small talk to break the mood. Maybe something like, “Don’t spill” or “It’s nice and fresh just like nature in [...]
Luckily I’ve never had to do that. Did you notice how awkwardly short my comment is?
I just had to get piss tested because I complained of carpal tunnel. This is how fucking retarded companies are. “You’re right, it’s common knowledge that drugs cause carpal tunnel and not a shitty desk setup.” They said it was a prerequisite for an ergo assessment. I said, “I hate you.”
Anyway, when I get there, the collector chick was smoking hot and I was wishing I was meeting her under different circumstances, but instead I was like, “Here’s my piss. Enjoy”.
Hopefully I can get a fucking keyboard tray now that I’ve given them my downpayment of urine. That better do it, because having my desk raised may require blood plasma and a brain biopsy.
@ Carl- If you say so. I remember one girl said my urine was dark and that it meant I needed to drink more water. I wanted to say, “When they make it taste like cherry coke, I’ll get on that.”
Well not really, but that’s how I felt.
@ .45- The kind of shit that happens to you is hilarious. You should have gone for it with the girl though. I mean, who knows? Maybe she was interested in the other substances you produce.
Erm I think you have an evil blog scrapper.
This is why the saying ‘Taking the piss’ is so great, they are taking the piss by making you take a piss.
I have never had to do it, hooray!
@.45, I really don’t understand how they linked carpal tunnel with you need to take a piss in a cup. My theory is that they have pinpointed you as an eligible bachelor and have had the pee analysed to test how good your genes are.
LOL… I know its kinda wierd… I used to just place the cup on their table instead of handing over. have a nice weekend mate.. Cheers…
I find it a Olympic feat just to make it into the cup without splashing some around.
You know, in the past I had to give a fecal sample…
They told me to poop in a cup, use a small spoon (they supplied everything) and get some from the middle of the poop & put that spoonful in a little vial.
I told them that I wasn’t playing with my shit. If they wanted some from the middle, they could do it themselves.
I am not embarrassed to give urine samples. It’s better than getting jabbed with a needle!
I hate taking urine samples for folks. Why do they always ask for a sample when I don’t have to piss?
Ive never had to pee in a cup for anyone or anything other than a pregnancy test!! That got a round of applause when it came back negative!
PS:
Happy 4th Of July Weekend. I hope you’re having fun!
I’m one of those that dipstix urine in a GP surgery. Not for drugs but other nasties…
It’s just another part of the job, apart from the guy who when I handed him the tube began unzipping right there in front of me!!
rofl!! You are so crazy.
I have never done a drugs a day in my life, but every time I have to take a drug test, I get panic attacks because I always think it just might come back positive.
nah we don’t play that in jersey. you pee in a cup, you put your own cup in the little box for the other man to come take away.
okay i had to hold it for my kid once when they needed a sample. that was not cool and yeah i gave it to the nurse but i didn’t get a thank you. i kind of wanted a medal.
a gold one of course.
Remember this next time you think your job sucks. At least it doesn’t involve piss.
What I hate is that I can never pee precisely in the cup, so there’s always some pee drops on the outside, and I always worry that I’ll miss one before handing it over…
Imagine how guys feel handing a fresh cup of love juice!!!!
I hate that too. Like you can’t tell if someone if a drug addict or not based on the job interview? Why do we have to get pee involved? I started a new policy a few years ago - if they want a drug test, i probably don’t want to work for them. The principal is enough to make me not want to work there.
until a few months ago everytime I went to the doctor(every three months) I had to pee in a jug I am kinda used to it! haha
Hey Jillian! That whole thing is kinda gross and weird. I’m glad I’ve never had to do that for my job. I can smoke weed, do Cocaine, and Meth…and no one cares! Whoo hoo! Wait! I would never do that! LOL!
Hahahahaha you’re just too funny. It doesn’t bother me that much because I’ve had to do it for bladder infection tests and etc at my dr’s before. *shrug* Hopefully that’ll be the worst thing you have to do at the start of this new job!
And then the worries… Is this enough? Quantity-wise?
And Mike has a point…
are you alive?
Where are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?
Interesting, for sure. But you never shared your secret - how DO you crackheads pass the test so you can get hired? Switch it? Don’t they actually watch you? If not, what’s the point? Just askin’…
Contrary to popular belief, your urine sample contains an unremovable archive of every single time you’ve smoked a reefer outside of McDonald’s. They’re onto you, dope fiend. This is just their way of mocking you.
I cleaned my ears today and thought of you
/sigh
And I cleaned my thoughts and heard of you.
I had to provide a poo sample (3 separate vials over 2 days for maximum variety!) It was traumatic and awful, but I couldn’t help wonder about the lab guy assigned to do the analysis. How do you end up at a job like that–sifting thru someone’s poo? And I couldn’t keep myself from making all the requisite, nervous jokes, which, by his bored expression, I could see he’d heard a million times before.
JIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIAN!! COME BACK!
Um… at least tell me you’re still alive… please?
damn woman. you must be really busy. we miss you. hoping you post again soon.
Okay I waited another four days without commenting and that was DIFFICULT!
Its been 26 years since my last confession, oh shit! wrong place.
“Please Fill the Cup to This Line and Don’t Flush” - Hears how Jim would do it…
Employee: “Pardon?”
Employer: “I’m going to need a Urine sample?”
Employee: “That’s what I thought you said, I’ve never had to give a …Urine sample for a job Interview before”
Employer: “Well, I hand over a small cup (no emphasis on the word SMALL) then you distribute a sample of your urine, easy as that.”
He walks into the toilets and has a couple of options open for him, One - He could deposit his “goods” into the cup and hand it over claiming he misunderstood what she said, you then have a chance to see what her reactions would be, resulting in an excellent YouTube video (there is floors with this plan, and it could result in anything from four years of dental treatment, to Sambuca shots… Little less Sambuca… and more… Well) Two - He could, somehow (bare with me on this) mix different urine samples together, with some animal samples, again… There are floors with this plan, main one being acquiring the samples, could prove painful, if not fatal, but would be a great experiment to see if they know what or who you are? Resulting in a great more curiosity in one’s self, more likely to get the job…? And Third - He could try going in the cup but always managing to get more on his shoes then in the cup itself and it‘s always on your hands NOTE: Pull up your sleeves, (or try the “hover it & deposit it method)
Employee: “There we go, placing it on the table in front of her, leaving a ring mark on all of her paper files I.. Needed… To… Go… Like-A-Horse.”
He don’t get embarrassed, it’s the process what is embarrassing because there is so many problems what could aerie from the “transferring of body fluids to cup” resulting in peculiar looks from people.
Just my view, thanks for reading. JD
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