This Ain’t a Motherfuckin Comeback
… or is it?
There have been some ghastly rumors going around I feel I need to address. Let this post serve as one that separates FACT from FICTION.
FICTION: JillianApproved has decided to close up shop.
This is not true. Now mind you, I could have been the one to start such a rumor… but I’m setting the record (and myself) straight. It’s not happening. Yeah yeah, I know it says I update twice a week and those of you who visit regularly know it’s a damn lie. That will change. See, I learned something: you can’t put creativity on a fucking schedule. That shit flows whenever it flows and you just need to be there to catch it. Needless to say my cup hasn’t runneth over in quite a while. So no more schedule, no more deadlines, and no more feeling bad about not updating when I said I would. From now on, it happens WHEN it happens.
Consider this the beginning of a new era. You’re welcome.
FACT: My Fantasy Football team sucks more than a crack-whore in a dark alley.
You know what? I can admit that shit. So I drafted bad. Whatever. Who knew Carson Palmer was going to be the pile of shit on an otherwise delicious plate of would-be victory? Who knew Chad Ocho Cinco would, thus far, be such a non-factor? Who knew Derek Anderson would have such a shitty start to the season? Apparently everyone but me. And to think, there I was on draft day confidently picking players I just knew were going to tear it up. I have only myself to blame as I head into Week 4 with 3 straight losses.
Worst. Fantasy. Season. Ever.
FICTION: Teenage girls have anything remotely relevant to talk about.
They don’t. Or maybe they do. I mean I really shouldn’t judge, in fact maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps it’s just the girls on my bus that are mindless chatterboxes going on and on about shit that would make me kill myself if I HAD to listen to it longer than I currently do. I’m sure elsewhere in this vast and beautiful universe there are tons of teenage girlies that enjoy stimulating conversation wherein boys, MySpace, or “hotness” is never mentioned. That’s possible… right?
But maybe you need a sample of the high-pitched drivel I speak of: (Names have been changed because I don’t care enough to learn their real ones)
Sasha: Omigog! Omigod! Omigod! I saw Aaron today! He is sooooooo cute!
Gina: (emits a sickening squeal) I know, right??! He IS SOOOOOO cute!
Terri: Aaron? Is he the cute one???!!
Sasha and Gina: YES!!!! We think he is sooooo cute!
Terri: Omigod!!!! I think he is soooooo cute, too!!!!!!!
So yeah… these girls need to shut the fuck up. I doubt they will ever know how lucky they are I don’t just drive the bus right into the center divider. Just the thought of their motionless bodies and the blessed quiet that would follow… No one could blame me, better yet, no one SHOULD blame me.
FACT: This blog is called “JillianApproved: Humor, News, and Nonsense” but has never done anything news-related to date.
This is true. I have more fun doing the nonsense part to be honest. But, I have come across several news stories that I thought were funny, or interesting, or worth mentioning for various reasons. Just recently I heard about a guy in Baltimore who is suing a doctor for stapling his rectum shut causing him to go 17 days without taking a dump.
Hahahaha. Seriously.
I would write more on the story, but the article I found was funny all by itself: - Take special note of the quote they get from the victim’s attorney.
Man sues Md. doctor, says butt stapled shut
22 Responses for "This Ain’t a Motherfuckin Comeback"
Hahahahaha when you mentioned you were going to start talking about news I was worried for a split second. I’m so glad you’re back. That is awesome news story - poor guy couldn’t take a shit for 17 days.
At least I hope you’re back. I miss ya!
@ fragileheart- Oh yeah, I am back!
I suppose if someone stapled my ass shut, I’d sue too. But my favorite part is the attorney quote… talk about to the point!
I’m glad you’re not closing up shop. I’m even gladder you’re covering news like rectums getting stapled shut (and, if there’s ever any dispute over whether a rectum is or isn’t stapled, can’t you just . . . look?)
Welcome back (again)!
I’m really glad you chose to not stop blogging or else I might have been forced to hunt you down and do mean, non-friendly things to you.
And um, thanks for the news story. Let’s try to focus on more positive things though cause I need to go to the Dr and I really don’t want to have to worry about having my ass stapled shut. Really.
OMG! OMG! OMG! It’s alive! hee hee hee teenage girls everywhere have nothing to fucking talk about and they just keep right on prattling away, oblivious to their stupidity. I would not blame you for ending up in the center divider, that’s for sure
I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t call for help after you did it wither LOL
Okay, enough of that shit. Just update this crazy thing once in a while okay???
Fuck. Yes! a new post! Whooooooooo hoooooooooooo
Post WHATEVER and WHENEVER the hell YOU feel like it.
“I doubt they will ever know how lucky they are I don’t just drive the bus right into the center divider
ROTFLMAO
“you can’t put creativity on a fucking schedule. That shit flows whenever it flows and you just need to be there to catch it”
That is THE TRUTH
ROFLMFAO….ok ok while I try to catch my breath, this butt stapling is right up there with this article I heard about the other day that this man got his junk cut off when he went in to get a circumcision. To funny, sad but funny.
Glad to hear you’re back.
But did you hear about the guy who woke up to find that the doctor had removed his genitals?
Good to see you back here mate… been ages
Hope all is well with you and the H…
The post is all Jillian as usual… LOL @ that teen conversation…
kewl one mate.. take care… talk soon…
Cheers
JD- Oh yeah… Rest assured I’ll be covering all those wacky news stories. Pretty much anything that make me “LOL” has a shot at being featured!
Monique- Ty ty ty. Yeah, it’s good to be back. I have a few new ideas that will hopefully keep me writing for a while! Thanks SO MUCH for stopping by.
Franklin- Yeah, those freakin teenage girls are ON MY NERVES!! Grrr. And yes, I plan to update more often. I mean, otherwise what’s the point in paying for the damn site, right?
Meleah Rebeccah- Yeah, shame on me for trying to get ‘creativity’ to work on my schedule! I have learned a valuable lesson… this is good… I’m growing… growing is good.
Faith- You’re a new face… right? Thanks for sharing your thoughts. And LOL @ that news story. He had his ‘package’ removed?? LMAO. It sucks to be that guy!!!
Angelika- Again, LMAO. I mean… how do you even deal with something like that? Jan says he read the story and told me that they tried to sew it back on, and they did, but now it doesn’t work right. Ooops.
Arv- Yes, all is well. We’re hanging in there. Aside from some growing pains, I think we’ll be alright! Thanks for checking in!
This post is soooooo cute!!
I wish you hadn’t dispelled the rumor, because I actually started it. My shrink told me I was just projecting, though. I told her to mind her own fucking business, then I paid her in wadded-up singles.
I hear ya on the schedule thing. The pressure to post makes it neither fun nor fruitful. Some may even lose interest altogether, but thank fuck you’re not one of them.
Welcome back, J (?)
.45- Yay! Are you sure you didn’t sleep with your shrink? I gotta say, I WOULD NOT be surprised
Also, what’s with the question mark? My name starts with “J”…
Shrinks don’t like to sleep with patients, which is why I fired her.
Welcome back (?), J.
.45- They should really tell you that BEFORE you pay for sessions… :-/
Or at least stop calling them sessions, cuz that evokes a certain imagery for me.
Hey glad your back your blog is awesomely funny.
Fantasy football ouch you didn’t draft so well eh? Always take my boy Drew Brees!!!
I coach Jr High and HS Girls Tennis, and Varsity Cheerleading I am around that talk ALL THE TIME I know exactly what you mean
OMG a post from Jillian?!?!??
Glad to see you resurface. Loved the part about the teenaged girls–but didn’t we all sound like that at that age?
Phats - I’m SO GLAD you understand! My fantasy season is not working out… at… all. All I can hope for is that the NINERS tear it up!
Mrs. R - Hahaha. Yeah, I am not going to abandon this site. I’d be remiss if I let all this work go to waste. And NO WAY did I sound like that as a teen! But I never fit in much with my peers… not sure if the same is true now though.
Growing is good.
xxoo
HEY YOU! I have missed you.. i had been missing for awhile also! but I am back again!
Glad you are back with a bang!
LOL! I am glad I am not one of those Teenage gals.. or am I? hahahahha
Welcome back. Now suck my nads.
P.S. Preppy teenage fan girls are fucking annoying, mainly as they won’t suck my nads.
It seems apparent to me that you have two options.
1.) Close up shop. Delete your blog and GTFO of the Internet. Because your style of humour isn’t funny, it makes me sleepy.
or
2.) Write a blog detailing your own euthanasia (With video for proof).
Dwayne.
http://probablysucks.com
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