My favorite part of any wedding is the reception. I love free flowing alcohol, delicious food, and good company. Actually, even if the company isn’t all that good the other 2 things more than make up for it. Shitty company seems less shitty after a second helping of tri-tip and 7 beers.
That’s where I was this past weekend, by the way: At a wedding. We drove up to Sacramento to see one of Jan’s brothers get hitched (”we” being me, Jan, and his parents). The drive was long (8 hours) and definitely not something I’m in a hurry to do again. I’ll spare you the details of how my legs got so cramped I contemplated sawing them off or how I suffered a horrendous attack of gas. That shit was brutal. I wound up holding in farts until we passed groupings of cows out to pasture. Once we were close enough, I would silently ease out a few torpedoes and hope the other 3 people in the car blamed the smell on “manure”. I could have gotten away with doing this the rest of the trip if I hadn’t made the mistake of letting one go as we drove past some orange trees. Apparently oranges don’t smell like dookie.
Click for more of this scintillating tale...
When it comes to war, everyone must choose a side. No, you can’t sit on the fence and never commit to anything. People who do that are called PUSSIES. And the only thing a PUSSY is good for is getting fucked.
Right now, a battle of epic proportions is being waged. Sooner or later a side will emerge victorious with enough power to affect society as a whole. This post is your opportunity to learn the important details and choose where you stand. Lines need to be drawn, facts need telling, and the pretending has to stop. Choose wisely whatever side you rally with. The men and women who will fight alongside you are putting their lives in your hands, it’s only fair you give them your utmost support and unshakable commitment.
Read the rest of this entry »
I found out not to long ago that on a scale of 1 to “I want to have sex with you”, I was rated about a 6. Which, if I may translate, means I’m only 4 beers and a shrug of “why not?” from being the best (or worse) night of your life.
Chris, thank you for your honesty.
I suppose this should bother me, but it doesn’t. Everything needs a rating: food, movies, cars, TV shows… why not sex appeal? If more people knew where they stood, it would prevent a ton of disappointment. A man who is clearly a 3 would not, under any circumstances, go after a woman rated higher than a 5.
Read the rest of this entry »
