It’s a tough business to break into, but I knew that before I got involved.
Currently I’m sitting at a solid number 2 in the lunchroom. It took months of bugging my mom, but I finally got her to bump me up to Salami sandwiches with an extra dessert, instead of carrots and that horrid Egg Salad shit she tries to pass off as food. What’s wrong with her anyway? Doesn’t she know what sells? Her concoction of eggs, relish, and mayonnaise is so bad the dog won’t even touch it. Every operation has a weak
link, but I never thought it would be my own mother. If my cards aren’t played right, I could wind up with a scandal on my hands. When Jeff Wright accidentally traded away several spoiled turkey sandwiches, he almost lost it all. Even now he struggles to break back into the Top 20. There’s no humor in shame like that.
Everyone knows I covet the Top Spot. And it’s true I stepped on a lot of people to get to where I am now. It was me who added cayenne pepper to Billy’s Mediterranean chicken, it was me who stole the extra bags of chips I knew Cindy brought to school, and it was me who committed one of the worst deeds our lunchroom has ever seen. I got David Trekker suspended for a fight I started, when he jumped in to break it up, I lied and said everything was his fault. And the teachers believed me, they always do.
More of this engaging lunchroom saga...
1. “You’re gay.”- I really like this one because whoever this is directed at can’t possibly prove otherwise. Sure, they might be straight and get “lots of play”, but the people laughing at their expense don’t care. If you’re a guy, this is especially harmful. Once someone introduces the idea you enjoy ’sausage parties’, your credibility on the subject is forfeit (even if you have 2000+ posts in the forum *cough* loser *cough*). If you’re the type who thinks quick on your feet, responding with a ‘Dad joke’ can be a saving grace.
Example:
2Cool4Skool: You’re gay!
FckngAwesme: Let’s not bring your Dad into this.
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Random things for the rest of the weekend:
When I have annoyed my husband to death he’ll ask, “Are you fucking serious?!” I usually reply with, “No, I’m Jillian.”
I do this for two reasons: 1) I know it pisses him off; and 2) I genuinely think it’s funny.
Whatever, it IS funny.
*****
For a brief period I had gotten into the habit of randomly saying, “Well, it’s about that time…” People would always respond with, “About what time?” to which I would reply, “Oh nothing, I just like saying that.”
*****
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Every now and then I mention my mom. Sometimes I speak of her in comments on other blogs or sometimes in the posts written here. You all know we were close, so close I considered her my best friend. I know when someone is dead, you should probably start referring to them in the past tense, but I forget a lot of the time. It’s weird to refer to her like that, you know? She was my mom. I swear, sometimes I feel like she’s on vacation somewhere and will be back as soon as she can. Whenever something insanely funny happens, I often think: Damn, mom would think this is hilarious. I should call her… And of course right after that is: “Fuck, I’m broke. I wish mom were still here, she’d loan us some dough…
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*The following is a rant long overdue. It’s devoid of humor and my usual lightheartedness, but for various reasons it needs to be said.*
I just want to be myself.
Whatever happened to accepting people just the way they are?
My mom was once described as the kind of person who made people feel instantly comfortable. Sure, she had her views on things, but she didn’t judge people. To this day, I feel I will never meet another soul like her (my husband being an obvious exception). It was her who allowed me to be myself, to voice my opinions, to offer my input, and to make my own decisions. While some parents chose to order for their kids in a restaurant, my mom always asked me what I wanted. Instead of just planning an outing, she always took my suggestions under advisement. She let me know early on what I had to say was important, and that I was worth listening to.
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