Just the other day, I was heading into the grocery store to stock up on soda and ice cream when I was sidelined by a guy with a toothy smile asking me to sign some sort of petition. I made the mistake of saying, “Oh, I’m not registered to vote in this city yet” - yeah yeah, not the best response. As soon as the careless words tumbled from my mouth it was like he saw me in a new light. Whereas before I was just another face he was trained to throw the usual spiel at, now I had become a confirmation of his necessity… the very reason he was standing in the shade sweating profusely. It was citizens like me who drove him to get up, adorn his ill-fitting suit, and solicit participation in the Democratic process. Yes! Not only could he get me involved “in the system”, but he could grant me the right to complain over the current state of affairs. And if there’s one thing I value in the world (aside from an impressive Anime collection), it’s the right to complain.
More of this engaging monologue...
Even though there are quite a few hoops to jump through before starting a new job, I’ve never gotten used to peeing in a cup as part of this process.
Sure, the company I’ll be working for needs to know I’m not a crackhead, but I just wish there was a less awkward way to go about it. Whenever I’m handing the tester my cup of urine, I always feel like I should apologize or try my hand at small talk to break the mood. Maybe something like, “Don’t spill” or “It’s nice and fresh just like nature intended.” You know, anything to distract from what’s going on.
And what thoughts are swirling in the person’s mind as they accept my cup of warm liquid waste? Is this really the job they signed up for, or is it just a small part of their regular duties? Whenever they know someone is there for a drug test, do they cringe a little inside? There is no way I could keep my face impassive while I transferred someone’s piss into little tubes scheduled for send off to some lab. I actually commend the people assigned this task, because they really do make it seem like it’s the most normal thing in the world. A person rains gold in a cup, hands it to them, and they take care of the rest. Nothing odd about that at all.
More on warm uriney goodness...
You guys don’t get a chance to engage me in real life conversation, so I thought I would share some phrases I frequently use. It’s not that I’m lazy when it comes to communicating, it’s just that these phrases perfectly express anything I could ever want to say. I could venture out into new territory, but what if a new phrase leaves a bad taste in my mouth? What if I deliver it wrong? What if I place the inflection on the wrong syllable? This stuff shouldn’t be taken lightly. And that’s exactly why I stick to what I know:
- “Fuck THAT shit.” - I like this one because it takes a stand, sets a boundary. It draws a line. Once you hear me utter these words, you best believe whatever it is has been effectively killed.
Time Warner: Your cable bill is due.
Me: Man, fuck THAT shit.
More servings from my dirty mouth...
*The following is a rant long overdue. It’s devoid of humor and my usual lightheartedness, but for various reasons it needs to be said.*
I just want to be myself.
Whatever happened to accepting people just the way they are?
My mom was once described as the kind of person who made people feel instantly comfortable. Sure, she had her views on things, but she didn’t judge people. To this day, I feel I will never meet another soul like her (my husband being an obvious exception). It was her who allowed me to be myself, to voice my opinions, to offer my input, and to make my own decisions. While some parents chose to order for their kids in a restaurant, my mom always asked me what I wanted. Instead of just planning an outing, she always took my suggestions under advisement. She let me know early on what I had to say was important, and that I was worth listening to.
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I’ve been tagged with a few memes (does anyone know how to pronounce this?) and I thought I would do one of them now. Yay, right?….. right?
OK.
I’m going to make it a rule not to tag anyone. If I do a meme and you like it and would like to do it as well, by all means do it and let me know so I can read it!
I’m not doing these in any particular order. OK, there is a particular order, but it only makes sense to me.
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