It’s Like a Guitar String When You Pluck It

Did any of you ever see the movie “The Inkwell”? The title is a line from the film. There’s a scene where this kid’s Dad is trying to explain sex… along with the importance of the CLITORIS. Now I’m not sure if the Dad actually says the word CLITORIS, I mean it’s quite possible he just meant the VAGINA as a whole.

But something makes me pretty sure he was referencing the almighty CLITORIS.

I have no reason to mention this quote other than to say I still don’t get what the Dad meant. How is it like a guitar string? What exactly is getting plucked? I’m not going to lie: I’m VERY familiar with my “sex” parts, but I don’t know anything down there that requires plucking. Rubbing? Sure. Stroking? Of course… but plucking? Not so much. I pride myself on having a good relationship with the big “V”. We’ve known one another my whole life, and the relationship is so good I don’t even have to call before I visit. And let’s face it: whenever I DO drop by, we both know it’s only for one reason. Well, if you want to get into specifics, maybe it’s more than just ONE reason, but you get the picture.

In other news:

The job is going well… I guess. The money is good, but it’s certainly not doing anything to warm me up to the idea of having kids myself. And I am definitely no closer to being able to tolerate teenagers. As of now, I do a pretty good job of ignoring everyone on the bus and only speaking when someone speaks to me first. I’m pretty sure the students and counselors think I hate them, but I don’t worry about it too much. In the end, the only thing that matters is me getting them to their destinations safely and on time.

So there are these little boys who like to sit behind me and talk to each other the entire trip. Everyone else has enough sense to bring an iPod or fall asleep, but not these boys. The first time they sat behind me I thought they were retarded because they kept making cow noises and rocking back and forth. But it turns out they’re just stupid. Kids these days. I want so bad to turn around and tell them I see many many years of Virginity in their future.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve thought about shutting this blog down. Jan can’t help but remind me EVERY DAY how many deadlines I’ve missed. Seriously. He tells me even before he says “Good morning”. I would leave him, but then I’d have to get a real job. And well… real jobs suck. However, I do wanna extend my appreciation to the people that visit even though the site has gone to crap. You know who you are.

Don’t worry, I’ll make it un-crappy.

X’s Unfortunate Mishap: Sexual Situations to Avoid

Meet L.

L is a girl with a friend. You know, a fuckbuddy.

One day L’s friend dropped by with the intention of knockin’ some boots, we’ll call this guy ‘X’. The door was opened, greetings were exchanged, and a bit of smalltalk was had. L, being a bit awkward about kicking things off, usually let X take the lead. X never minded though, he Guys should always carry condoms always knew what to do. They would start off with a little kissing, then a bit of necking, and soon things would really start to heat up.

The two ‘buddies’ would inevitably move to the bedroom.

On normal occasions the deed went off without a hitch. But one ill-fated day, X arrived ready to party only to leave completely embarrassed and emasculated.

Read on to find out why.

*****

L was burning hot and ready. X was so turned on, it was painful. The two fell on the bed as they hastily removed clothing, each preparing to reach mutual ecstasy. Things were looking good until X remembered something important.

More 'fun with sex'...

Tips For a Successful Relationship: The Four C’s and One H

This coming May I will have been married a year. When my anniversary hits you should expect a horribly mushy scribbling in which I recount our wedding day and post pictures of the wondrous event. Now I don’t know how true this is, but I’m quite certain the Angels rejoiced on that marvelous day.

No really, they did.

Now I know some of you are wondering why would I attempt to give advice on something I haven’t mastered myself. And that is a valid concern. What do I, a mere Padawan, know about relationships? How could I have possibly learned anything worth passing on in such a short amount of time? Well, you would be surprised. In this post I plan on sharing tips and pointers previously unresearched and never before documented that will hopefully help you maintain a mind-blowing level of happiness in your relationship.

Read the rest of this entry »

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