Jillian Approved: Humor, News and Nonsense

*Dusts off her keyboard*

I recently read somewhere that websites live and die by their update schedule. If that’s the case, then this website is something of a zombie. Officially it’s dead, but I enjoy giving it just enough juice to reanimate for a while. Clearly I have not been the least bit interested in updating this thing, but something in me demands I keep paying the monthly host fees to keep it online. Weird, huh? I am both attracted to this site and yet repelled. The attraction is easy to explain. This site is full of original pieces (except for a few guest posts). I love everything on here. This is the biggest body of written material I have, and dammit, I’m proud of it. I’m proud of the fact I can write about ‘dookie‘ and ‘sex‘ and ‘tigolebitties‘ – three things I have a load of experience in.

Wait. Is this true?

But as for what repels me though: I suspect it’s the sweet glaze of laziness coating my life. It’s a constant struggle to do ANYTHING. Everything just seems to be such a chore. Work is a chore. Cleaning up is a chore. Looking for a better job (so I can achieve even more mediocrity) is a chore. And a lot of times, writing is a chore. So I don’t know, either I’m in some kind of funk (and have been for the last 26 years) or something is genuinely wrong with me. Now I’m not quick to toss out words like “depression” or “loser”, but something is going on with me. Hopefully it’s just a case of “Toomuchawesomeitis”. If you don’t know what that is, now is the time to seriously rethink your Internet usage.

In other news, Entrecard recently closed my account with them. Apparently when you don’t update your blog in 90 days they pull the plug. I know I shouldn’t be upset, but do you know how long it took me to amass over 20,000 credits?! And just when I was planning to launch a huge comeback, too! Oh well. I’m not going back, though. I was never good at dropping credits and honestly, I don’t see how people have time for it. Is there really a need for dropping credits, Facebooking, MySpacing, and Tweeting all in the same day? Think: all this in addition to being human. No thanks. My relationship with Entrecard has ended (they dumped me), I closed my MySpace account (this of my own accord, thank you very much), and anyone “following” me on Twitter knows I almost never update. I could at least say I was behind the idea of Entrecard, but I still don’t see the point of Twitter. I know a lot of people are having success with it… even famous people are on there now. But even though I might like you, I really don’t care what the hell you’re doing at 3:21 in the afternoon. I don’t even care what my husband is doing at 3:21 in the afternoon. So… yeah.

However, I do Facebook. I find this site is a good way to keep in touch with the people that linger on the fringes of our lives. You know who I’m talking about. Facebook lets you talk to people you’re kinda sorta interested in, but not enough to actually call or hang out with. And if you’re anything like me, some of these people might include family. So I’m not giving up on social networking completely, but I am going to pick one and stick with it.

Until next time! Which, believe it or not, will be soon!

**Photo courtesy of atp_tyreseus**

Did any of you ever see the movie “The Inkwell”? The title is a line from the film. There’s a scene where this kid’s Dad is trying to explain sex… along with the importance of the CLITORIS. Now I’m not sure if the Dad actually says the word CLITORIS, I mean it’s quite possible he just meant the VAGINA as a whole.

But something makes me pretty sure he was referencing the almighty CLITORIS.

I have no reason to mention this quote other than to say I still don’t get what the Dad meant. How is it like a guitar string? What exactly is getting plucked? I’m not going to lie: I’m VERY familiar with my “sex” parts, but I don’t know anything down there that requires plucking. Rubbing? Sure. Stroking? Of course… but plucking? Not so much. I pride myself on having a good relationship with the big “V”. We’ve known one another my whole life, and the relationship is so good I don’t even have to call before I visit. And let’s face it: whenever I DO drop by, we both know it’s only for one reason. Well, if you want to get into specifics, maybe it’s more than just ONE reason, but you get the picture.

Interested in MORE clitoris?

Meet L.

L is a girl with a friend. You know, a fuckbuddy.

One day L’s friend dropped by with the intention of knockin’ some boots, we’ll call this guy ‘X’. The door was opened, greetings were exchanged, and a bit of smalltalk was had. L, being a bit awkward about kicking things off, usually let X take the lead. X never minded though, he always knew what to do. They would start off with a little kissing, then a bit of necking, and soon things would really start to heat up.

The two ‘buddies’ would inevitably move to the bedroom.

On normal occasions the deed went off without a hitch. But one ill-fated day, X arrived ready to party only to leave completely embarrassed and emasculated.

Read on to find out why.

*****

L was burning hot and ready. X was so turned on, it was painful. The two fell on the bed as they hastily removed clothing, each preparing to reach mutual ecstasy. Things were looking good until X remembered something important.

More 'fun with sex'...

This coming May I will have been married a year. When my anniversary hits you should expect a horribly mushy scribbling in which I recount our wedding day and post pictures of the wondrous event. Now I don’t know how true this is, but I’m quite certain the Angels rejoiced on that marvelous day.

No really, they did.

Now I know some of you are wondering why would I attempt to give advice on something I haven’t mastered myself. And that is a valid concern. What do I, a mere Padawan, know about relationships? How could I have possibly learned anything worth passing on in such a short amount of time? Well, you would be surprised. In this post I plan on sharing tips and pointers previously unresearched and never before documented that will hopefully help you maintain a mind-blowing level of happiness in your relationship.

Read the rest of this entry »